Recently, the History Channel aired a documentary titled, “Sex And Love In The Bible.”

As with most secular perspectives on Christianity, you will find some viewpoints that you may not agree with.

And (be warned) the discussions are very frank and do show some nudity (within artwork only).

But, for those of you fascinated with how the Bible addresses sexuality, I think you will find this video very interesting.

For best results, I recommend that you don’t click on the actual video…just the “play arrow” in the lower left corner.

You will need to get a cup of coffee for this video…it is over an hour long.

Enjoy.

Posted: January 29th, 2008 under Christian Sex, Sex and God.
Comments: 1

If I were forced to summarize our coaching experience into three keys to a successful Christian marriage, they would be:

1) Go to God.

Some of you are dealing with truly REAL and difficult problems that have NO simple or easy solutions. Consequently, your first (and best) action should be to put your trust in the the ONLY place that deserves your faith: God.

In Proverbs, we are told…

3:5
Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.

3:6
In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

Does your marriage relationship seem hopeless?

Follow the advice of Scripture above and 1)Trust God 2) Stop relying upon your own understanding 3)”Acknowledge God “in all thy ways.”

I confess that there are days where I am giving advice to other Christians about “going to God” and (at the exact same time) dealing with a personal problem or fear that “seems” hopeless.

Usually, it is not until AFTER I have heard myself say, “Go to God” that I realize that I have NOT been taking my own advice.

At this time, I make it a point to do something symbolic. I don’t just say a quick “thought prayer” to God. I go to my room. I get on my knees and I (out loud) speak to God about what I am dealing with. Secondly, I ask those close to me to to also ” go to God” for me.

I can’t guarantee you that any of your problems will instantly and easily disappear, but I can promise you that God is willing able and faithful to meet your needs.

2) Be willing to be vulnerable.

If you start by trusting that God is “watching your back,” it is easier to take “step two.” Step two is making yourself vulnerable.

Marriage relationships (especially) can be impossibly difficult if one (or both) partners are unwilling to be vulnerable.

REAL and truly fulfilling marriage relationships are impossible without the risk (vulnerability) of being disappointed, hurt or angered. If you are more interested in protecting yourself from the emotional pain of being disappointed, hurt or angered…then you are committed to improving the relationship…you MUST be vulnerable.

How many times are you supposed to be willing (vulnerable) to this pain and disappointment?

If you get past “seventy times seven,” then we can talk.

3) Communication.

The most important determining factor of ANY successful marriage relationship is communication.

Couples that communicate their needs, feelings and desires consistently succeed; those that do not…don’t. It really is as simple as that, in some respects.

Figuring out the “why” you don’t communicate may not be as simple. But, knowing that establishing real and honest communication is critical is a given.

Although, in my experience the number one reason that couples don’t communicate is because (surprise) they aren’t willing to 1) Trust God and 2) Make themselves vulnerable.

So, all in all, it is a logical progression:

1)Go to God

2)Make yourself vulnerable (yes…again!)

3)Start communicating your real thoughts, desires, needs, disappointments, fears. Not just the ones that are easy to express…all of them.

As you know, I always like to try to end the week on “an up note.”

And, I want to do that this week, as well.

I wrote the above post after finding a video for a great song by the band Switchfoot (a popular Christian band).

The song is called, “I dare you to move.”

The basic feeling I always get when I listen to this song is that God wants me to DO SOMETHING REAL; he wants me to MOVE TOWARD HIM…MOVE TOWARD MY STRENGTHS…MOVE TOWARD MY WIFE.

It is only when we MOVE that God is able to help us; he can’t do it while we stand frozen in our fears and disappointments regarding the past.

The video is below the following lyrics.

Enjoy. Have a great weekend. And…MOVE!

Welcome to the planet
Welcome to existence
Everyone’s here
Everyone’s here
Everybody’s watching you now
Everybody waits for you now
What happens next
What happens next

[Chorus]
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened before

Welcome to the fallout
Welcome to resistance
The tension is here
Tension is here
Between who you are and who you could be
Between how it is and how it should be

[Chorus]

Maybe redemption has stories to tell
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to escape from yourself?
Where you gonna go?
Where you gonna go?
Salvation is here

I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened
Today never happened
Today never happened before

Posted: August 24th, 2007 under Uncategorized, Christian Marriage, Christian Sex Videos, Sex and God, Christian Culture, Marriage Forum.
Comments: none

Yesterday, I found a post on a blog by a self-described “sex-radical, feminist sociologist” here.

It is, essentially, a comment piece on the Mother Jones article about Christians seeking sex advice and sex toys.

If you are a regular visitor to this blog, you know that we spend the vast majority of our time attempting to help Christian married couples to improve their marriages and sex lives…not opining about what non-married, non-Christians should or should not be doing.

I find it amusing that Christian’s are constantly painted as nosy and oppressive when it comes to sexuality. And, this article starts with this assumption and then makes several others…

And therein lies the problem. While I want to rejoice that Christian couples are getting good sex advice and affirmation of their desires for pleasures of many sorts, there is no getting around the prohibitions against extramarital sex (which, in every US state aside from Massachusetts also means prohibition against sex with somebody of the same gender, though that is explicitly prohibited for good measure), or sex that involves even fantasizing about extramarital sex. This can’t be sex-positive, and yet I want to be happy that these people who are devoted to their faith are at least getting advice that allows for sexual fulfillment within the oppressive boundaries of their doctrine. Yet if, as Wypijewski suggests, that means usurping “a vocabulary of desire that owes everything to gay liberation’s unlocking of sex even as they slam the door on the notion that gays and lesbians have any right to sexuality,” if it means exploiting gains in sexual freedom that came as a result of enormous risks taken by those who are then explicitly excluded from basic civil rights by the very people doing the exploiting, this can’t be considered positive even in the most generous of interpretations…

This analysis focused on the The Marriage Bed site, a site that I consider to be one of the best resources for married Christian couples.

Basically, the writer’s point was that Christians can’t truly be “sex positive” unless we remove our adherence to all (Scriptural) boundaries sexuality.

Of course, I disagree.

I thought you might be interested in my response to these ideas…

As an author and relationship coach that works primarily with Christian married couples, I highly respect the work done through TMB.

In my own experience, I have seen the damage that “religious psychological baggage” can cause to married Christians relative to sex and sexuality.

There are thousands of married Christians that struggle with a way to reconcile their Christianity and sexuality and TMB is one of the most solid resources for these individuals.

Although I understand (and sometimes empathize with ) those that consider themselves to be outside of the “Christian mainstream” when they feel as if Christians are sticking their noses into their business (and bedrooms), I think you are pointing your criticism and (even) your analysis in the wrong direction.

If you were evaluating a Ted Haggard blog decrying homosexuality, that would be fair enough.

Instead, you are parsing one of the truly sex positive Christian sites in existence.

I fail to understand your reasoning.

You don’t want Christians telling you how to express your sexuality. But, it is okay for you to tell married Christians (of a very specific theological persuasion) how they should think about their own sex lives and sexuality?

I challenge you to find ONE post on TMB (and there are tens of thousands) in which any of the moderators or administrators opines about what someone outside of their assumed audience (married Christians) should or should not be doing sexually.

The members of TMB are attempting to reconcile their own theological predispositions with their sexuality; they are not looking to affect the sexuality of anyone else.

In this scenario, who, really, is the evangelist?

I contend that it is the person hoping to tell Christians (and TMB) what they should think and believe (i.e. “Your silly boundaries are so passe) relative to THEIR marriage, sex lives and sexuality.

That stated, I think “TMB regular’s” point is very relevant…

“‘Secular’ sex therapists like Dr. David Schnarch (The Sexual Crucible; Passionate Marriage) affirm from their clinical studies that monogamous, life-long committed relationships provide the best context for creating potential for and facilitating sexual fulfillment and sexual self-expression…”

If we agree that sex and sexual expression are positive and that we should all be “sex positive,” then it is a relevant (scientific or otherwise) issue to ask, “What circumstances/environments are the most conducive to a healthy, fulfilling and pleasure-filled experience of life-long sexuality?”

Obviously, this author does not believe that the “traditional” Christian boundaries (within marriage, with the opposite sex) provide any real value to this equation.

Most of the members of TMB would disagree. Again, this is not the 1800’s. Most married Christians today have had the opportunity to see “both sides of the fence.” MOST married Christians were single and sexually active. Many married Christians have dabbled in homosexuality. And, in their experience, they find expressing their sexuality within their marriage to be the most fulfilling (and exciting) form of expression.

And, as “TMB regular” stated, many professionals (including “secular” professionals) would agree.

Again…no one (especially on TMB) is sticking their noses into your bedroom.

But, we are not allowed to freely attempt to maximize our own sexuality (within our chosen theology)?

Lastly, your statement, “a vocabulary of desire that owes everything to gay liberation’s unlocking of sex,” is both patronizing and (frankly) naive.

The “gay liberation” movement of the past 40(?) years has “unlocked” sex?

Ten thousand years of sex and sexual expression (nothing new under the sun…sorry) and sex has only been “unlocked” within the past semi-millennium?

You may be referring to your perceptions of Christianity and sexuality. But I assure you that the reality is quite different. The longest tradition of Judeo Christian history has been very much supportive of sex and sexuality as a gift from God (Song of Solomon, anyone?).

The relatively recent (several hundred years?) of institutional and “religious” aversions to sexual expression are not based on Scripture. They are based more on the Platonic idea of the separation of spirit and body…with “things of the body” being lesser and baser.

Posted: August 23rd, 2007 under Christian Sex, Christian Sex Advice, Christian Marriage, Christians and Pornography, Christians and Porn, Christians and Pornography, Christian Sex Toys, Sex and God, Christian Culture, Marriage Forum.
Comments: 1

A local ABC affiliate did an interview with Joe Beam, one of the most well-spoken advocates of better Christian marriages and better Christian married sex.

You can find it here.

A few highlights…

“I get questions about oral sex, pornography, foreplay, everything you can imagine. People ask and I blatantly answer them. Some Christian people are amazed that my answers are what they are because its not what they’ve been taught all their lives,” Beam told CBS4’s Joy Purdy.

Beam believes he’s taking Christian sex education to the next level in terms of right, wrong and what the Bible says is allowable or not.

Statistics show that 20% of married couples have sex just 10 times a year or less, and Beam believes that is an indication there is a lot of sexual misery between couples.

The minister left his home church to fill churches nationwide with curious couples, eager to hear what Beam interprets the bible to say about sex, love and marriage.

“Now I want you to see this is in the Bible; I am not making this up,” Beam said in one of his presentations. “If a person is not sexually satisfied they become susceptible to outside temptation.”

There are no boundaries for those who attend Beam’s seminars. The audience can even secretly write questions for Beam and he in turn, answers them all.

Minister Beam covers many taboo issues in his seminars that many Christians have become accustomed to being ashamed of.

For example, said Beam at one seminar, the Bible actually says nothing about the use of vibrators and in fact, he encouraged the audience to play games with each other, with or without mechanical aids. “There’s nothing in the bible that says anything about masturbation,” he said.

Joe Beam runs a marriage and family ministry called Family Dynamics at which you can find free articles and resources for your marriage.

You can watch him interviewed on The Montel Williams show below.

My favorite quote (and the idea I find most true in our experience with troubled marriages):

Give your spouse permission to tell you the truth…it will change everything.

The three keys to love are intimacy, passion and committment…Most people don’t have deep levels of intimacy because they are afraid to tell/hear the truth.

Posted: August 22nd, 2007 under Christian Sex, News, Christian Sex Advice, Christian Marriage, Christian Romance, Sex and God, Christian Culture, Marriage Forum.
Comments: none

An initiative out of the Graduate School of Journalism at UC Berkeley has launched a site that deals with sex and religion…specifically where the two intersect.

I know nothing about the back round of this initiative or it’s participants.

What they say about themselves…

Stories about religion are too often framed around conflict and controversy, culture wars and holy wars. We want to tell another story – the lived experience of people’s faith.We are a team of journalists…exploring “God, Sex and Family.” That’s where choices about marriage, dating, the building of community, family and faith play out in private life.

Part of their site is what they call “The Moral Compass.” It is an interactive “roulette wheel like” graphic that will give you the theological positions of various world religions relative to various sexual practices.

I enjoyed spinning the wheel. I bet you learn something about your denomination’s theology relative to sexuality.

You can find it here.

Enjoy.

Posted: August 14th, 2007 under Christian Sex, News, Christian Marriage, Sex and God, Christian Culture.
Comments: none

If you are a regular reader of this blog, you know that I refrain from being irreverent and avoid…at all costs…any posts that might resemble a “rant.”

You can stop laughing now.

Yesterday, my “dander was up” (that is not a bad pun) because I had read a post on the Christianity Today Blog Site, Titled, “Why I Have Sex.”

I have to admit that, normally, I would have just skimmed through this post and moved on. But, over the past month or so, as we have launched the MyChristianMarriage.net Forums, I have been reminded DAILY that there are many, many Christians that are living quiet lives of desperation. The cause of this desperation is not always related to sex. But, in a vast majority of cases, it is.

I know that only God can fix many of these situations. We pray for our members and encourage them to go to God, our Healer.

I will do everything within my power to help them to improve their marriages and lives.

I will help them to overcome every obstacle that Satan and our worldly culture puts in the way of strong, real, Godly, holy and positive Christian marriage relationships.

But, I am losing my patience with having to fight other Christians and their destructive “advice” to couples. I am truly at the end of my rope…regarding sanctimonious “churchy” or “Christiany” preaching that is TEARING APART Christian marriages.

Our entire ministry is based upon a very “radical” and “unusual” concept; God created sex, primarily, for our pleasure and the pleasure of our spouse.

He did not create sex PRIMARILY for procreation.

Okay…I’ll give you this…

If we are looking at the logical, “big picture” reason that God created sex, it was, most likely procreation. Every species, including humans needs some way in which to continue the species.

But, I am not a scientist or a Darwinian philosopher. I am a guy trying to help people to improve their marriage. So, from my perspective, I don’t care what “guesses” you (or the late Carl Sagan) have regarding the scientific/sociological reasons for human sex.

I just care about it’s impact upon our Characters, relationships and Holiness.

And, here’s the kicker…not every species reproduces via male/female sexual interaction.

Again, I’m no scientist…but if God made it possible for worms to reproduce without male/female mating…he could have done it with humans.

Many “Christian Fathers” (with no Scriptural basis) and others through the ages have had a very negative opinion of God’s choice to utilize sex and sexual pleasure to “further the flock.”

Martin Luther said…

The reproduction of mankind is a great marvel and mystery. Had God consulted me in the matter, I should have advised him to continue the generation of the species by fashioning them out of clay.

Leonardo da Vinci agreed…

The art of procreation and the members employed therein are so repulsive, that if it were not for the beauty of the faces and the adornments of the actors and the pent-up impulse, nature would lose the human species.

If you have ever stopped to actually consider what is happening during sex, you would have to admit that there are probably more graceful and less sweaty ways to accomplish procreation.

Unless, of course, that was EXACTLY how God intended it.

Luckily, God didn’t consult Martin Luther before deciding upon the human form of procreation.

So, are you going to rely upon your “reason and logic” and “scientific ponderings” when you decide to give that hurting Christian couple sexual advice? Are you going to rely upon what “you think” orthodox Christianity “thinks?”

Or, are you going to go to the Bible?

And, please (please, please) don’t start telling me about the orthodox theology of your particular denomination…or what “most Christians” since Jesus walked the earth thought about the topic.

I want to know what is your Scriptural basis for putting that weight around your brother and sister’s necks?

Please consider this a challenge.

I want to see response postings that provide me with Scriptural evidence that sex was meant to be anything less than one of our most basic, fundamental and powerful aspects of our ENTIRE being…and that it’s primary function in our lives is to provide pleasure.

We are sexual beings. Period.

Who designed us this way? God? Yep.

In a response to yesterday’s post, a visitor asked…

I am curious why you don’t include references to the scriptures you discuss? It would help while studying sides of an issue to know the references to which you refer. It would also be nice to know what translation you are referring to as well, since the translations can muddle interpretations sometimes. This is not to say your interpretations are muddled. but it would be nice to know where you are coming from scripturally.

For my Scriptural evidence…you’ll have to stay tuned for “Round 3,” but until then, I want to leave you with a few of the most insightful thoughts I have found relative to Christianity…and sexuality…and marriage…

“Christianity is almost the only one of the great religions which thoroughly approves of the body - which believes that matter is good, that God Himself once took on a human body, that some kind of body is going to be given to us even in Heaven and is going to be an essential part of our happiness, our beauty, and our energy…Christianity has glorified marriage more than any other religion: and nearly all the greatest love poetry in the world has been produced by Christians. If anyone says that sex, in itself, is bad, Christianity contradicts him at once…”
~C.S. Lewis

“I’d like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he’s working on now.”
~Author Unknown

The idea that we are to avoid physical pleasure to achieve spiritual holiness is not a Christian concept.

It was proposed by the philosopher Plato and it is where we get the term “platonic.” Followers of this “platonic” philosophy look at the physical world, including sexuality, as lesser “shadows” of the better, “spiritual” things. It pitted the physical and spiritual against each other. To pursue one was, by definition, to lose the other.
~C. S. Lewis

Posted: August 2nd, 2007 under Uncategorized, Christian Sex, Christian Sex Advice, Christian Marriage, Sex and God, Christian Culture, Marriage Forum.
Comments: 1

On the forums at MyChristianMarriage.net Forums, several members have expressed sincere frustration and disappointment with certain aspects of their marriage.

I felt led to post the following.

If this resonates with you…take action; go to God with your dreams, desires and needs. He is both willing and able to heal any aspect of your life or marriage.

A few months ago, our Pastor gave one of the best sermons I can remember.

He was responding to a (small) group within our church that was becoming annoyed with the increased emphasis on prayer and healing within our church.

We attend an Episcopal church, so this type of “charismatic like” behaviour was new to some…and it made them uncomfortable.

At one point in his sermon, he asked, “Do you want to EXPERIENCE God’s power or do you just want to come here every week and read about it?”

It was a real “wake up call” for some in our church and, in my opinion, necessary.

So, I am going to ask YOU the same question….

“Do you want to EXPERIENCE God’s power? Do you want to FEEL and WITNESS his healing and caring?”

Or…

“Do you just want to read about it?”

In John 16:24, Jesus says, “Until now you have asked nothing in My name. Ask, and you will receive, that your joy may be full.”

If you are hurting or struggling in ANY area of your marriage, your FIRST and MOST IMPORTANT strategy should be GOING TO GOD.

Even in the short history of these forums, you can find testimonies to God’s desire and ability to PERFORM MIRACLES.

Do you REALLY trust that God cares?

Do you REALLY believe that he can work miracles in your marriage?

Then DO SOMETHING about it.

Close your browser. Shut off your computer and …

GET ON YOUR KNEES.

Ask Him what he wants from you in your marriage.

Tell Him what your dreams, desires and goals are (for your marriage and everything else).

Then LISTEN, TRUST and BELIEVE.

Then be sure to come back and tell us about the MIRACLES that He has worked in your life and marriage so that we can utilize them to encourage others that are struggling.

But, please…PLEASE…don’t just read about what God can do…expect those miracles in your life and marriage…now.

Really….shut off the computer and go to God.

Posted: July 16th, 2007 under Christian Marriage, Sex and God, Marriage Forum.
Comments: 1

Rob Bell is the founding Pastor of Mars Hill Bible Church of Grandville, Michigan.He is also the author of a new book, “Sex God.”

Unlike Sexual Skills For TheChristian Husband and Sexual Satisfaction For The Christian Wife, this book is not a “technical”guide to sexual performance skills. It is “an exploration of the connections between sexuality and spirituality.”

In this book, Rob contends that our sexuality and spirituality are purposefully intertwined and that we can learn more about both by understanding how they intersect.

One of the messages that we try to communicate most strongly in our career as “accidental sex experts,” is that great sex is the result of great relationships- not the other way around.

Before you can expect sexual fulfillment in your marriage, you have to work towards relational fulfillment. And, in our experience, one of the biggest obstacles that many have to relational fulfillment is allowing themselves to be selfless and vulnerable with their spouse.

Real relationships, based upon “real” love are scary and risky. You MUST be willing to “put yourself out there” in a way that many people are unwilling to do.

One of my favorite sections from Rob’s book deals with this concept…

Love is a giving away of power. When we love, we give the other person the power in the relationship. They can do as they choose. They can do what they like with our love. They can reject it, they can accept it, they can step toward us in gratitude and appreciation.

Love is a giving away. When we love, we put ourselves out there, we expose ourselves, we allow ourselves to be vulnerable.

Love is a giving up of control. It’s surrendering the desire to control the other person. The two - love and controlling power over the person - are mutually exclusive. If we are serious about loving someone, we have to surrender
all of the desires within us to manipulate the relationship.

So, if you were God - which I realize is an odd way to begin a sentence - but if you were God, the all-powerful Creator of the universe, and you wanted to move toward people, you wanted to express your love for the world in a new way, how
would you do it?

So how would you express your love in an ultimate way? how do you connect with people in a manner that wouldn’t scare them off but would compel them to want to come closer, to draw nearer?

You would need to strip yourself of all the trappings that come with ultimate power and authority. That’s how love works. It doesn’t matter if a man has a million dollars and wants to woo a woman. If she loves him for his money, it isn’t really love.

If you were the almighty being who made the universe and everything in it, you would need to meet people on their level, on their soil . . . like them.

This is the story of the Bible. This is the story of Jesus.

In marriage, you’re talking about power and control only when something central to the whole relationship has fallen apart.

God has given us the ultimate example of “putting yourself out there.” He has completely and freely offered himself to us and we are free to respond as we will. But, he acted first.

Within our relationships, sometimes we need to risk, sacrifice and “put ourselves out there” before we know how our spouse is going to react. We need to expose ourselves and make ourselves vulnerable…FIRST…before we are certain of the results. It is in these areas of FAITH and VULNERABILITY that God can do miracles even in the most broken of
relationships.

Posted: March 13th, 2007 under Christian Sex, Christian Marriage, Sex and God.
Comments: 1