If I were forced to summarize our coaching experience into three keys to a successful Christian marriage, they would be:
1) Go to God.
Some of you are dealing with truly REAL and difficult problems that have NO simple or easy solutions. Consequently, your first (and best) action should be to put your trust in the the ONLY place that deserves your faith: God.
In Proverbs, we are told…
3:5
Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.
3:6
In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.
Does your marriage relationship seem hopeless?
Follow the advice of Scripture above and 1)Trust God 2) Stop relying upon your own understanding 3)”Acknowledge God “in all thy ways.”
I confess that there are days where I am giving advice to other Christians about “going to God” and (at the exact same time) dealing with a personal problem or fear that “seems” hopeless.
Usually, it is not until AFTER I have heard myself say, “Go to God” that I realize that I have NOT been taking my own advice.
At this time, I make it a point to do something symbolic. I don’t just say a quick “thought prayer” to God. I go to my room. I get on my knees and I (out loud) speak to God about what I am dealing with. Secondly, I ask those close to me to to also ” go to God” for me.
I can’t guarantee you that any of your problems will instantly and easily disappear, but I can promise you that God is willing able and faithful to meet your needs.
2) Be willing to be vulnerable.
If you start by trusting that God is “watching your back,” it is easier to take “step two.” Step two is making yourself vulnerable.
Marriage relationships (especially) can be impossibly difficult if one (or both) partners are unwilling to be vulnerable.
REAL and truly fulfilling marriage relationships are impossible without the risk (vulnerability) of being disappointed, hurt or angered. If you are more interested in protecting yourself from the emotional pain of being disappointed, hurt or angered…then you are committed to improving the relationship…you MUST be vulnerable.
How many times are you supposed to be willing (vulnerable) to this pain and disappointment?
If you get past “seventy times seven,” then we can talk.
3) Communication.
The most important determining factor of ANY successful marriage relationship is communication.
Couples that communicate their needs, feelings and desires consistently succeed; those that do not…don’t. It really is as simple as that, in some respects.
Figuring out the “why” you don’t communicate may not be as simple. But, knowing that establishing real and honest communication is critical is a given.
Although, in my experience the number one reason that couples don’t communicate is because (surprise) they aren’t willing to 1) Trust God and 2) Make themselves vulnerable.
So, all in all, it is a logical progression:
1)Go to God
2)Make yourself vulnerable (yes…again!)
3)Start communicating your real thoughts, desires, needs, disappointments, fears. Not just the ones that are easy to express…all of them.
As you know, I always like to try to end the week on “an up note.”
And, I want to do that this week, as well.
I wrote the above post after finding a video for a great song by the band Switchfoot (a popular Christian band).
The song is called, “I dare you to move.”
The basic feeling I always get when I listen to this song is that God wants me to DO SOMETHING REAL; he wants me to MOVE TOWARD HIM…MOVE TOWARD MY STRENGTHS…MOVE TOWARD MY WIFE.
It is only when we MOVE that God is able to help us; he can’t do it while we stand frozen in our fears and disappointments regarding the past.
The video is below the following lyrics.
Enjoy. Have a great weekend. And…MOVE!
Welcome to the planet
Welcome to existence
Everyone’s here
Everyone’s here
Everybody’s watching you now
Everybody waits for you now
What happens next
What happens next
[Chorus]
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened before
Welcome to the fallout
Welcome to resistance
The tension is here
Tension is here
Between who you are and who you could be
Between how it is and how it should be
[Chorus]
Maybe redemption has stories to tell
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to escape from yourself?
Where you gonna go?
Where you gonna go?
Salvation is here
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened
Today never happened
Today never happened before
Our current culture is OBSESSED with the superficial. And, even as Christians, it is sometimes difficult to avoid being influenced by this obsession.
Sometimes the only way to overcome the silliness of our culture is to mock it.
Below is a very funny parody of the show Dr. 90210. It is titled, “Extreme Makeover: Baby Edition.”
It (very effectively) mocks the world’s obsession with being physically perfect.
Don’t let yourself get caught up in this silliness. According to Psalms 139:14, you are “fearfully and wonderfully made” by the Creator God of the universe!
Don’t let your obsession with losing “the last five pounds” or eliminating a few (well earned) wrinkles distract you from your real mission in life.
And, for goodness sake, DON”T wait until you feel you are living up to society’s ridiculously shallow expectations to LIVE YOUR LIFE ABUNDANTLY!
I GUARANTEE that your spouse will more appreciate a loving, thoughtful and supportive attitude from you than he/she will care about those “crows feet.”
1) Change your expectations. Believe that you have the ability to become multi-orgasmic.
2) Take an ACTIVE role in your sexual interactions; participate and coordinate your sexual interactions to maximize your pleasure and ability to achieve orgasm.
3) Focus on your clitoris. Most women need direct clitoral stimulation to achieve orgasm.
4) Strengthen your pelvic area with exercises such as “kegels.”
The video below discusses some of the common methods to move towards achieving orgasm. It also specifically mentions some valuable “exercise” devices that will help you with the most critical factor necessary to being orgasmic; a strong pelvic area…
-The myth that that women have two completely distinct types of orgasms (vaginal or clitoral) and that one is “better” than another (clitoral is an “immature” type) was started by our favorite fraud, Freud.
-This myth has NO basis in scientific fact.
-50-70% of women cannot achieve orgasm through penile thrusting alone; they need some type of direct or indirect clitoral stimulation.
-If you want to increase your chances of achieving female orgasm through intercourse, you must ACTIVELY utilize positions or movements that directly or indirectly stimulate the woman’s clitoris.
-Communicating what is pleasurable and what is not is critical to sexual satisfaction.
As we have discussed before, the available “Christian sex” or “Christian sex advice” resource pool is fairly small. So, not every resource that we recommend as valuable will be 100% consistent with our (or your) Christian values.
If we have posted the video on these pages, we simply endorse the “technical” value of the information contained within the video. Feel free to take the other information contained “with a grain of salt.”
“…we are discovering a deep connection through sex…”
Hey Robert,
Your interview will be published in a book I am writing called What You Didn’t Learn From Your Parents About Sex—A Guide To A Touchy Subject. It will appear in the section called What You Need To Know About Sex Before You Get Married…
…Also, thank you for writing such a frank book about sex. I’ve only been married for a little more than a year and your book has truly helped me see me and my wife’s sex life as a journey. Slowly but surely, we are discovering a deep connection through sex. And your wisdom and research has certainly been a part of that growth process.
Did you see your mention in Details magazine last month? I thought that was awesome. (I may have mentioned that you before.) I think you should be on Oprah. If you need a cheerleader, let me know.