As you may know, we just released two new resources, Tastefully Illustrated Sexual Positions For Christian Couples and Sexual Fun And Games For Christian Couples.

And, the success of these new product introductions made me think about how proud I am of our readers and visitors. So many of you are willing to try new things in order to improve your married sex life.

It also reminded me of one of the concepts of one of our favorite Marriage/Sex Therapists, David Schnarch, Ph.D..

Most “old school” marriage and sexual therapists promote the concept that couples should be hyper conscious and respectful of each other’s “comfort zones” (sexual and otherwise).

Dr. Schnarch is famous for disagreeing with this approach.

In his opinion, this is EXACTLY what causes boredom and problems in a married sex life.

One spouse draws a circle that includes only those activities that he/she are “comfortable” with. The other spouse draws their circle. Then, the couple is limited to only only doing those activities that happen to fall in the area where those two circles intersect. The couple is then “stuck” with a very small list of activities…forever!

Instead of focusing only on those things that each is currently 100% comfortable with, Dr. Schnarch suggests that you focus on learning how to “self sooth” or expand your personal “comfort zones,” sexually.

In his opinion, in a successful marriage, it is more important that each individual becomes stronger individuals…than lesser for the sake of the relationship.

This type of expanding of “comfort zones” is very relevant, especially when trying new things you would find in these two new resources.

If you would like to read more from Dr. Schnarch, there is an interview on his website here.

Posted: March 3rd, 2008 under Christian Sex, Christian Sex Advice, Christian Marriage, Christian Sex Therapy, christian sex books, christian sex education.
Comments: none

The following article was written by Terre Grable, LPC-MHSP. Terre Grable is a Christian licensed professional counselor. She enjoys helping couples strengthen their marriages and enjoy more intimacy with one another. You can find more articles by Terre at www.greatchristiansex.com.

Many Christian married couples have yet to experience a fulfilling sexuality. Yet, it is an essential ingredient for a vital Christian marriage. Here are 7 barriers to a fun and fulfilling lovemaking for Christian married couples…

1. Not knowing what God says about sex

The first commandment God gave was to engage in sex (Genesis 1: 27-28.) God had just created humanity in His image, commanded them to be “fruitful and multiply”, and then commented “it was good” (Genesis 1:31.Doesn’t it seem like this was important to Adam and Eve.

2. Talking very little with your spouse about sexuality or your preferences.

When couples can share with their spouse about sexuality or their sexual preferences, intimacy is created. An emotional bond results from the intimate level of vulnerability on a conversational level. A great place to start talking about sex is to share what lovemaking means to you emotionally, how frequent you would like to have sex, and even times of the day or specific days.

3. Engaging out of obligation, rather than enjoyment

Many believe sex was solely intended for procreation, rather than recreation. To the contrary, the poetic references in the Song of Solomon describe lovemaking that is enjoyable and anticipated. Feel free to have some fun with sex with different positions and places. However, all must be with respect for your spouse’s considerations. I Corinthians 1:4 states that our bodies belong to our mates, not just us. It is written from a spirit of equality, where both spouses are to serve one another, rather than one controlling the other. If one spouse forces his/her sexual preference regardless of their spouse’s dislike, then abuse has taken place.

4 Failure to plan

Many couples, Christians especially, are sexually frustrated. True, there can be some difference in sexual appetites. However, more often infrequency is the cause. Sex is never convenient, but is critical to a vital relationship. Plan for sex like you would any other appointment. Rather than thinking of this as stale, consider that it allows you and your spouse time to plan for the special time together. Planning also alleviates any concerns for sexual deprivation and sexual pressure.

5. Using sex as a reward or punishment

Sex is often used as a reward for some positive behavior. Or it can be withheld when one spouse is angry with the other. Couples destroy intimacy and trust when their sexuality becomes a bartering system. Because of its vulnerability, lovemaking must be unconditional to be meaningful. Find other ways to thank your spouse, and healthy ways to overcome your resentments.

6. Unresolved sexual abuse issues

Sexual abuse issues follow spouses into marriage. Victims of sexual abuse may have an aversion to lovemaking, or experience painful reminders of the past. For some, there may be a distortion of healthy sexuality. If you have been wounded from sexual abuse, realize that you did nothing to deserve this. Furthermore, there is hope. I encourage you to find a counselor that specializes in this area, and begin the road to recovery. It is one thing to survive sexual abuse, and another to overcome it.

7. Pornography

The most significant destructive force to a healthy sex life is pornography. And yes, I am talking about Christian marriages. Images are burned into a person’s mind, thereby creating an insatiable thirst for more erotic behavior, or harmful behaviors. Some couples have stated the use of pornography enhances their sex life. I disagree. Not only is it degrading, but it fosters empty relationships by focusing on the physical rather than love. If your marriage has experienced the pain of pornography, I encourage you to find a professional counselor to help you rebuild the trust in your marriage.

In my experience as a Christian counselor, a lot of confusion exists amongst married couples regarding a healthy Christian sex life. The reality is that God has given sex as a gift for married couples to embrace rather than tolerate, or misuse. You do not have to look far to find out how society has contaminated sexuality. As Christians, let’s change our culture by strengthening our marriages with a healthy Christian sexuality.

On Terre’s site, she recommends Sexual Skills For The Christian Husband and Sexual Satisfaction For The Christian Wife. So, of course, we think she is pretty smart.

Posted: January 7th, 2008 under Christian Sex, Christian Sex Advice, Christian Marriage, Christian Sex Therapy, christian sex books, christian sex education.
Comments: 1

This weekend, there was a post at the MyChristianmarriage.net forums titled, “How Far Does Forgiveness Go?”

It was from a Christian woman whose husband sexually abused her children and is now going away to prison.

I wanted to re-post it here (with my response) for two important reasons:

1) It is a “reality check” for any of you that are feeling “put upon” or ungrateful for your current situation. God never promised us, in this life, that it would be easy. But, you need to thank God that you (most likely) are not dealing with a situation like this.

2) I felt slightly (actually…VERY) at a loss to offer any substantial, tangible help to this woman. Although, I thought that there was a good chance that someone in our “audience” might have some expertise in this area.

If you do, please go to the forums and offer her some support and advice.

how far does forgivness go?
dear all. this is my first post, and am looking for a little spiritual guideance. i have been married to my husband for 35.years. we have both been born again christians for 24.years. unknown to me my husband had a sexually abusive history when i met him. it was a second marriage for both of us. he had 4.children from a previous partner and i had 3. we joined together as one big happy family. it came to light 13.months ago that he had abused 4. of our children. 2.of his and 2.of mine. his eldest daughter was only 2.years old it carried on till she was 8.years old. he abused his 4.year old son also. he abused my eldest daughter from 3.years old till ten then raped her constantly for 2.years till she got pregnant and he made her have an abortion. he also abused my youngest daughter for 9.months. he has been on police bail for 13.months and got convicted 2.weeks ago, he got 10.years prison.being a christian i have forgiven him. but i want a divorce now. how do i stand as regards christianity.? people in my church give me mixed advice. can you tell me what you think. this has split my family apart. regards sheila xx

My response…

Sheilam,

We are honored that you chose to share your situation and pain with our members.

As moderators of this board, the only real (guaranteed) help that we can offer for you is our thoughts and prayers. Susan and I will pray for you and your situation. And, we ask ALL OTHER MEMBERS to please do the same.

That being said…

You are going through a situation of which nightmares are made.

As it says in Scripture, “It rains on the unjust and just alike.” But, you, Sister, have been through a hurricane.

Before you can move forward, you MUST clearly realize that you are in a “life or death” struggle to save yourself and your family from destruction on many levels.

You need INFINITELY more help and support than you can find in a small forum such as this.

You need to IMMEDIATELY find professional and spiritual help in a BIG and REAL way.

Professionally, there are a multitude of governmental programs and offerings that could be of help.

You need to get yourself and your children into counseling IMMEDIATELY.

You will not survive this hurricane with a rowboat and one broken paddle…

You need the ARMY,NAVY and MARINES to be helping to pull you out of the dangerous part of the storm.

Whether your children want/desire this sort of help, you need to FORCE it upon them.

They have been damaged (whether they realize it or not) and you need to FORCE their healing. This WILL NOT happen “naturally.”

If your husband is going to be safely away in prison, you are blessed (at least in one way). If he is not, you need to get you and your family to somewhere safe. If that is a “woman’s shelter,” do it.

One of your primary responsibilities as a mother is to protect your children. Now that you know the danger that your husband poses, you need to do EVERYTHING possible to further protect yourself and your children from this monster.

If you were truly “taken by surprise” by your husband’s abuse, then I would spend NO TIME worrying/accepting blame for what happened. The question, now, is, “What are you going to do to protect/fix/heal them…going forward?”

Spiritually….

Start with going to God RIGHT NOW. Get on your knees NOW and ask God to reveal to you EXACTLY what you need to do to help yourself and your children to overcome this horrible disaster that has befallen you and them.

Then, you need to IMMEDIATELY seek out a Church or Christian group that will not just talk about helping you…but will DEMONSTRATE their willingness to help.

You will need friends. You may need somewhere for you or your children to stay. You may need money or food or rides to counseling.

If you ask God for this help….he will guide you to local Christians/ a church that will be there for you.

There is only one explicit Scripture that provides a “carte Blanche” support for divorce. It is in the case where your spouse has committed adultery.

As my father has said about this topic, “Scripture says you can divorce, it doesn’t say you HAVE to…or SHOULD.”

I think this advice is helpful in situations that deal in “everyday” types of affairs…maybe…it depends on the situation.

But…

YOUR HUSBAND RAPED YOUR CHILDREN.

You should be far beyond any “wondering” about whether you should divorce him or not. You should be ASSUMING that the divorce is a fact.

If, you get ANY advice other than this from the church/Christian group that you are working with….RUN from them as fast as you can.

Jesus was “the prince of peace.” But, one of his most graphic, judgmental, vindictive, statements (drowning by hanging a big stone around their necks) was in reference to hurting or leading astray children.

Child abuse is the clearest, most obvious violation of God’s will that could possibly exist.

I can’t judge your husband’s ultimate destiny; only God can. But, I can “lay odds” that your husband’s destiny is not a pretty one.

You need to find local (face to face) help…lots of it…IMMEDIATELY.

But, if there is any way that we can help, PM us. And, I’m sure that other members of this board will be willing to help, if possible.

Who knows? God is powerful. Maybe a member of this board lives in the same city that you do.

Posted: July 24th, 2007 under Christian Sex, Christian Marriage, Christian Sex Therapy, Parenting, Marriage Forum.
Comments: 2

Last week, we opened a “Sexual Abuse” section in the MyChristianMarriage.net forums.

Early on, a surprising number of people are discussing their past sexual abuse; obviously, it is a very important issue that many Christians need to deal with.

For those of you that read this blog and may be dealing with sexual abuse, I wanted to re-post something that Meleney Kriel, one of our moderators posted regarding this issue. You can find more on this topic in the forums.

There are so many things I need to say to you and anyone who wants to know what to do to get healing from the trauma of sexual abuse.

Firstly you need to know this one thing: It is God who will heal you and set you free - your answer lies with Him alone and therefore it is absolutely of primary importance that you do not blame Him. (I am not saying you do.) You have to understand that He is not the source of your pain, but the source of your healing! A person who has doubts about this one fact, shuts themselves off from the solution.

Secondly, your healing starts with a decision on your side. You must make up your mind this moment that the abuse you suffered will NOT define who you are. You will not live with it forever and you will not live “through” it. It is not who you are. You have to say to yourself “I AM NOT A VICTIM!” It is very, very important. This one point divides sufferers of abuse into two camps - those who get absolutely free and those who don’t. In the camp of the Free and the Brave (literally) there are people who suffered unimaginable injustice and abuse, but got over it. In the camp Victims Forever, are people who can’t get over anything. You have to decide that you are going to live free from the effect of sexual abuse, have a wonderful marriage and sex life, be a wonderful parent and function successfully and joyfully in life.

I dont want to say more right now. These two things are the beginning of healing and I want to encourage you strongly to make an effort to get them sorted out in your heart, mind, soul, spirit, emotions and will - once and for all. Dont make a big deal out of it either. Decide it today and when contrary thoughts come, counter them with these two truths. God is my Healer and I will not be a victim. Write them down and stick them up somewhere for you to see. Do anything and everything to remind yourself of those two truths.

Once someone gave me a flat little stone with the words: “My God shall supply all your needs…” painted on them. It was at a time where we faced a huge financial challenge and although I am not someone who is “in” to little symbols and statues of angels and doves etc… I started carrying the stone in my pocket and whenever I was tempted to worry, I touched the stone. The stone did not take care of my challenge, but God certainly did! Just in time as well, the answer came from a very unexpected source and everything was fine.

God bless you! I would love to hear from you again and I know that you are in the prayers of the members who read this.

Pastor Meleney
__________________
www.undefiled.biz
www.viva-foundation.org

Posted: July 23rd, 2007 under Christian Sex, Christian Marriage, Christian Sex Therapy, Marriage Forum.
Comments: none

Christian Sex Therapists Speak

In an article at www.christianitytoday.com , several Christian sex therapists give their opinions on sex in Christian marriage. The article is titled, “Spirituality and Sex…What 4 Christian sex therapists wish you knew.”

Many of the concepts discussed are fundamental principles found within both Sexual Skills For The Christian Husband and Sexual Satisfaction For The Christian Wife.

A few highlights…

“There is no area of our being in which we can become more deeply wounded than our sexuality… And within marriage, there’s no area in which you can minister to a couple and bring greater healing and stability than in their shared sexuality…If you get a Christian couple on the same page with God’s vision for marital intimacy, you’ll have poured super glue over that marriage, and you’ll have a beautiful picture of the relationship God desires to have with us…“

“Guys, I’ve got good news and bad news… The bad news is everyone here is going to suffer from three major issues at some point: impotence, premature ejaculation, and delayed ejaculation. The good news is there are ways to work through those, so don’t spend so much time fretting over them.”

“Sex is complex, and a variety of things weave together to create a good sex life. So many of my clients expect a neat cause and effect, as if they’re dealing with a case of appendicitis. They think, Let’s take out the appendix. Sex isn’t typically that simplistic…“

“Another myth is that great sex should be natural and should happen easily…“

“When couples are first married, they have the tendency to believe that sex is body focused, that it’s about how big your penis is or your breasts are. But it isn’t. It’s about the heart. Great sex is heart sex.“

“The big O is not orgasm. The big O is oneness…“

“ A paradigm shift has to occur first that says it’s not only okay to play; it’s important to play. It’s wrong if I don’t play. A lot of couples, when they get to their forties or so, have a midlife crisis. They go off and have an affair because it’s somebody to “play with.” They recapture a spirit of play, but it’s childish instead of childlike. Right idea; wrong direction. They recognized they were starving, but didn’t understand where the real food could be found.”

“Because we’re talking about making love, not simply having sex, and it’s flowing out of the rest of the spirit of the marriage. If they’ve been playful throughout the day, with little kitchen hugs, and notes in the lunch, or phone calls, or e-mails, or anything that is playful and loving—not necessarily sexual—then it naturally connects.”

“When the goal becomes oneness, the sex gets really cool. But if you make really cool sex the goal, you destroy it all.”

“Great sex becomes ancillary; it’s not the goal. We really believe that when you truly learn to tune into God, you’re going to tune into each other. And you’ll end up with a great sex life.”

You can find the entire article at Christian sex therapists speak.

Posted: February 27th, 2007 under Christian Sex Advice, Christian Marriage, Christian Wives, Christian Sex Therapy.
Comments: none