Ultimately, our ministry is a ministry of encouragement.

We want to encourage our brothers and sisters to make their marriages and lives as good as possible.

We have seen in both our own lives and the lives of our readers TRUE miracles.

We KNOW that God is available to us in ALL areas of our lives.

But…

There is a dangerous and counter-productive (yet popular) idea being propagated by some preachers. It is the idea that our lives (and marriages) SHOULD be perfect in every way. And, if they are not, we are doing something wrong.

There are two problems with this idea:

1) It is not Scriptural.

2) It only heaps additional burdens on our backs. Not only are we struggling…we are embarrassed and ashamed that we are struggling.

In the following video, Mark Driscoll plays a clip from a Joel Osteen sermon and comments on it.

I’m neither a particular fan of Mark Driscoll…nor a particular detractor of Joel Osteen. I see positives and negatives with both. But, I do believe that Mark Driscoll does a good job of dissecting Osteen’s assertion that, as Christians, we are to be constant “winners” with perfect relationships and lives…or something is wrong.

Driscoll’s main point is that if that is what our lives are supposed to look like, Jesus was a pretty bad example.

Jesus did not live the life of a “winner,” filled with health, wealth and perfect relationships.

He was a dirt poor carpenter whose family, friends and neighbors disrespected, hated and, ultimately, killed.

Does this mean that we are destined to live unfulfilling lives of desperation and poverty? No. Not necessarily. But, our ONLY guarantee is that we can rely on God to be with us as we deal with WHATEVER we are meant to face.

And, we can be confident that He will be there for us.

I will be the first to encourage you to NOT allow your struggles to overwhelm you.

Stand back up and fight the battles necessary to change those things in your life that are not currently ideal…knowing that God has your back.

But…

DON’T burden yourself with the UNSCRIPTURAL and UNNECESSARY weight of feeling guilty for your imperfect present state.

If struggle and imperfect circumstances were good enough for Jesus…

Posted: May 5th, 2008 under Christian Marriage, Christian Culture, mark driscoll, joel osteen.
Comments: 1

Last week, we received a letter from one of our readers that described a miraculous change in his married sex life.

For those of you still struggling, I thought you might find a glimmer of hope in this letter.

Like many of the success stories that we receive, there are familiar themes:

1) An initial desperation bordering on loss of hope that their married sex life will ever improve.

2) A faith that God DOES care about (even) their married sex life.

3) A patient and respectful attitude toward their spouse.

4) A surprised and overwhelmingly grateful feeling when a miracle finally happens.

Pray for us this evening. We have really been struggling sexually but, since reading Sexual Skills For The Christian Husband and Sexual Satisfaction For the Christian Wife, my wife claims she has finally seen the light. I got one of those “romantic overnights” at [a nice hotel in the city] for us tonight - yes tonight (Monday). I am taking off tomorrow morning.

I am ready to be her lover and she is ready to be my lover again - just like we were in the beginning but older, wiser and with a deeper of the love of the Lord Jesus Christ through the gift you and Susan have given us because of your faithfulness to the Him.

Amen Amen Amen. We will take it slow and easy.

David,

Thanks for the nice email.

Our prayers are with you tonight.

But, don’t forget…you have many more nights ahead…don’t put too much pressure on either of you.

Robert

We had a lovely, soft, gentle romantic evening. We both had the very best time we have had together in a long time. She was free and open and I was patient, loving and warm. This morning she said she wants to make love to me just like that for 30 straight days just to make sure we make a habit of pouring out our love for each other regularly (I almost fell out of bed). Now that is a good Christian work ethic - hahahahahhahaha.

I have really developed my pc muscle and she said she could feel like I have grow a couple of inches (width and length) - she was below the base of my p*nis - she was gently massaging it with the outer rim of her v**ina way deep and I stayed real still and perfectly hard but just pushed against her ever so gently in half circles with her until she came.

On me, she was at a place that has never been touched before and I felt those non-ejaculatory o’s and when I finally did have a wet one (when she asked me too) it was nearly insane. It has been hours since we left the hotel and I can still feel a warm soothing glow…

…Praise God from whom all blessing flow. When I prayed with her before we left this morning, she cried and said how much she missed me. I have always been there for her but Susan’ book rekindled her “want” of her man who loves her deeply and you have showed me the way to love my wife the way she needs to be loved.

Dave

Posted: April 21st, 2008 under Christian Sex, Christian Sex Advice, Christian Marriage, christian sex books, Christian Husbands.
Comments: none

Last year, I posted the video (below) titled “How To Turn Your Wife Into A Sex Goddess In Three Easy Steps.”

Afterwards, I received a few angry emails from husbands that felt I was perpetuating the “myth” that “if only” they were more helpful around the house, their wives would be more “helpful” in bed. They swore that they were practically “house husbands” and their wives were still not interested in sex.

Well…

1) It was just an attempt at humor. We really don’t believe that every husband that helps around the house is (automatically) overwhelmed with too much sex.

2) There was a grain of truth. MANY women do tell us that they would be MUCH more available in bed, if they were less tired and stressed because their husband’s were helping them with some of the household chores.

But, I think that “turnabout is fairplay.” So, I have also included a video from the man’s perspective. It is a Folgers commercial from the 50’s. And, I feel that it accurately (not really) expresses the quickest and easiest way for a woman to spark romance and respect within her husband.

Please no emails on these…they are only intended to give you a chuckle.

Posted: April 16th, 2008 under Christian Marriage, Christian Wives, Christian Culture, Christian Husbands.
Comments: none

I am always happy when I find something inspirational for my Friday post.

By Friday afternoon, most of us are tired and worn out from wrestling with the world all week.

We are REALLY starting to look forward to a well-earned rest from the struggle.

But, if you happen to be struggling in you marriage relationship, you may feel as if you have NO place to go for your respite.

You can start to feel as if your problems are just too big to (ever) overcome. They start to feel like you are trying to climb a mountain.

And, by yourself, you ARE climbing mountains.

But, when you turn to our God, the all-powerful Creator, you may find that, for him, your problems (marital and otherwise) are only “grains of sand.”

In Mark 11:2, Jesus tells us…

Truly I say to you, whoever says to this mountain, ‘Be taken up and cast into the sea,’ and does not doubt in his heart, but believes that what he says is going to happen, it will be granted him.

Below is the video for Carrie Underwood’s new song, “So Small.” And, I hope you find it as inspirational as I did.

And, as a special “Friday Bonus,” I also included Carrie’s “Jesus Take The Wheel.

“So Small” lyrics…

What you got if you aint got love?
The kind that you just wanna give away
It’s okay to open up
Go ahead and let the light shine through
I know it’s hard on a rainy day
You wanna shut the world out
And just be left alone
Don’t run out on your faith

Sometimes that mountain you’ve been climbing
Is just a grain of sand
What you’ve been out there searching for forever,
Is in your hands
When you figure out love is all that matters, after all
It sure makes everything else
Seem so small

It’s so easy to get lost inside
A problem that seems so big, at the time
It’s like a river that’s so wide
It swallows you whole
While you’re sittin round thinking about what you can’t change
And worryin’ about all the wrong things
Time’s flying by, moving so fast
You better make it count, cause you can’t get it back

Sometimes that mountain you’ve been climbing
Is just a grain of sand
What you’ve been out there searchin for forever
Is in your hands
Oh, When you figure out love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else
Seem so small

Sometimes that mountain you’ve been climbing
Is just a grain of sand
What you’ve been out there searchin for forever
Is in your hands
Oh, When you figure out love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else
Oh it sure makes everything else
Seem so small

Have a great weekend. And, if you are feeling like you are climbing any mountains this weekend, go to our Father to help you turn them into grains of sand.

Posted: April 11th, 2008 under Christian Marriage.
Comments: 1

The following video is Jeff Allen, a Christian Comedian, talking about how he swore that he would never be like his father and be “too old” to understand his teenagers.

Of course, then reality hits…

Have a great weekend.

Posted: April 4th, 2008 under Christian Marriage, Christian Culture, Parenting, Christian Husbands.
Comments: 1

The April 3rd Issue of The Christian Marriage Secrets Newsletter has been posted here: Christian Sex Newsletter.

Posted: April 2nd, 2008 under Christian Sex, Christian Marriage.
Comments: none

We receive quite a few unsolicited testimonials for our various products.

I thought I would share this one with you because it highlights ONE approach that you may find helpful if you are struggling to ignite your spouse’s sexual interest and desire.

As I have said (many times), it is sometimes silly to believe that your problem is communication (not always).

Sometimes, you and your spouse know EXACTLY what each other wants and needs…it’s just that one of you doesn’t care enough to overcome their own “issues” regarding sex.

Sometimes, they need to be exposed to SOMETHING/SOMEONE else that will light that fire.

It’s the whole “prophet in his home town” thing.

Your spouse may love you to death. But, you are still JUST their spouse. What do YOU know?

If you don’t believe this is true, you should listen into some of my conversations with Sue where I attempt to persuade her (into something) with my status as a “sex expert.” HINT: It hasn’t worked yet!

Apparently, all it took for this husband’s wife to “come around,” (pun intended) was for her to be exposed to Susan’s Book, Sexual Satisfaction For The Christian Wife. After she decided to read Sue’s book, there was an, almost, miraculous turnaround in their sex life.

This will not always work. I have hundreds of letters from spouses complaining that their spouse won’t even consider looking at a book about sex. But…sometimes…

I wanted to drop you a letter and let you know how thankful I am that you wrote your book.

My wife and I have been married for 20 years and neither one of us has ever been with any other person sexually. To say we have had “sexual problems” over the years would be a massive understatement. In my opinion, our recurring problems were largely the result of woefully inadequate sex education within the evangelical community, but that is for a different day.

On many occasions, I tried to convince my wife that she needed to take a more active role in sex and that my true goal was her ultimate satisfaction. This led only to frustration, arguments, and the occasional all-out war.

Last weekend was a really bad weekend for us, including my wife’s declaration that she “hates sex.” Later she told me that what she really hated was what sex was doing to our marriage. I was able to convince her that we should get your book, which I had found online months ago.

We got your book on Monday morning and I scanned through it quickly. I had my doubts, as we had already heard most of the basic stuff before. My wife read the first 39 pages later that day while I was running errands. I do not know exactly what she read, but it is now 24 hours later and I can say that my wife has a completely different (and positive) attitude toward sex. Unfortunately, I was trying to force this attitude on her for years. Maybe she realized that some of the things I was saying were valid, or maybe you said things in a much better way. Her response to what she read in your book was much more positive than I expected.

Given out recent failings and fighting, I did not want to put much pressure on my wife so soon. But, it turned out that I did not need to ask her for anything at the outset because she, somewhat uncharacteristically, initiated a lot of things. We looked through more of the book together and concluded that we probably should not try the whole book in one night. I explained that it was fine with me if we tried for separate orgasms, with her going first - as my concern for years has been for her satisfaction and this seemed like an easy way to start.

For the first time I can remember, she offered to arouse me orally and did so while laughing and kissing me. We had tried direct clitoral stimulation hundreds of times before, but we had very little success with it. Now, she helped me do exactly what she needed and reaped the reward of one her best orgasms ever. After she said told me how good it was, my pleasure was easy.

Needless to say, I was amazed. Every caring husband wants his wife to feel this way and deserves to be part of a successful love-making process. I love her and I love loving her.

In fact, I felt so good about what happened between us, I could not stop thinking or dreaming about it. I asked if I could wake her for a “quick release” three hours later, then again fours hours after that. She agreed and was amazed at my remaining potency and quickness - and so was I. I’m not sure how this is even possible at my age. Now, I know we did not overcome all of our problems in one night, but it sure feels like we did.

God definitely had a big part in changing my wife’s attitude and mine. That said, your book was obviously the vehicle for His Will. We were completely out of options to solve our problems and had both given in to fighting. I had, for the first time, seriously considered giving up on our 20-year marriage. I knew giving up was the wrong answer, but I did not know the right answer. Everything we had tried failed miserably because we had very limited knowledge about our sexual problems.

I cannot explain how glad I am that God intervened and used you to help us in our time of need. My doubts and fears about our future together have melted into meaninglessness and irrelevance. Now, we both want to build on our good experiences instead of continuing to re-live bad ones, as we previously did.

Thank you again.

Sometimes…it DOES work…

Posted: April 2nd, 2008 under Christian Sex Advice, Christian Marriage, Christian Wives, Christian Husbands.
Comments: none

I don’t personally know the couple in this video.

But, I am always looking for inspiration for those of you struggling in your marriage relationship and I found this video to be a real testimony to the power of God’s intervention in a marriage.

If you are looking for a little ray of hope…I hope this helps.

Have a great weekend.

Posted: March 28th, 2008 under Christian Marriage.
Comments: none

When I was seven or eight years old, one of the more popular songs on the radio was Chuck Berry’s “My Dingaling.”

Chuck claims (tongue in cheek, I think) that the song is a completely innocent song about a child’s toy.

The chorus is something like, “I love to play with my dingaling…”

Despite Chuck’s assertion that this song was NOT about masturbation, many adults felt certain that it WAS about masturbation…including my Father.

So, when he heard me happily singing (very loudly), “My dingaling…my dingaling…I’m going to play with my dingaling,” he was none too pleased and (if I recall correctly) slapped me silly.

Why, you might ask, would I share that story with you?

Because, in the past week or so, I have received a flood of emails asking about masturbation relative to Scripture and Christian marriage…and this post is about masturbation…and…the thought of my Father chasing me around, trying to slap me, for singing that song amuses me…and its my blog…so, you too will now have to live the rest of your life with that image floating around in your head.

Now that I have gotten that out of the way…

What is the deal with masturbation for Christians (in and out of marriage)?

Let’s start with Scripture.

There are a total of ZERO references to masturbation in Scripture.

Yes…ZERO.

Many people believe (or incorrectly preach) that the story of Onan (in Genesis 38:9) is a story about masturbation. It is not.

The sin of Onan in this story was not fulfilling his obligation to impregnate the widow of his brother…not masturbation.

So, the first MAJOR clue about the fact that Scripture (God) don’t feel that masturbation is inherently wrong is that it doesn’t specifically mention this act…let alone prohibit it.

One of the oldest (and best) sites that deals with Christianity and sex is www.themarriagebed.com. This site has an entire section devoted to masturbation.

It does address this silence in Scripture regarding masturbation and (in my opinion) does a great job summing up how I feel about this silence.

I can only come up with three reasons why “thou shalt not masturbate” is not found in the Bible:

1. It’s an oversight.
2. One must have special knowledge or be spiritual to know this truth.
3. Masturbation is not an inherently sinful act.

What have other prominent Christians said about masturbation?

Dr. James Dobson, founder of “Focus on the Family,” teaches that parents should NOT hassle their children regarding masturbation.

His reasoning (as a Doctor and Pastor) is the following:

1) There is no scientific evidence that masturbation is harmful to the body or mind.

2) There is scientific evidence that masturbation can be a healthy release for natural sexual urges that have no other outlet.

3) There is an unnatural and unnecessary danger of creating negative, confusing and guilt-ridden feelings about their bodies and sexuality.

You can find his entire article regarding this topic here.

Judith K. Balswick and Jack O. Balswick write in their book Authentic Human Sexuality: An Integrated Christian Approach:

Masturbation can be a healthy, enjoyable way for a person without a sexual partner to experience sexual gratification. Since God has created humans as sexual beings, masturbation provides a way for individuals to experience their sexuality and meet their sexual needs. (p. 246)
Jesus warns that lust leads to adultery, and adultery is sin. However, lusting is not the same as fantasizing ….

Fantasies about future possibilities are usually benign…. Desiring a specific person, and directing on ways to fulfill the desire, is a form of lust.

Fantasy, on the other hand, is more general and does not include attempts at achieving that exact fantasy. (p. 247)

I find the above quote particularly interesting because it dares to approach the subject of “lust versus fantasy.” I have seldom seen Christians that are willing to EVEN broach that topic (I will…below).

In Embodiment: An Approach to Sexuality and Christian Theology (Fortress, 1990, ISBN 0-8066-1701-2), James B. Nelson, writes:

In the midst of dualistic alienation, we seek unification, or more accurately, communion. Orgasm is a gift of God’s grace toward this end. (p. 172)

Among life’s unifying experiences, Gordon contends, orgasm is particularly powerful … The physiological intensity typical in masturbatory orgasm frequently surpasses that of intercourse, and relational fantasies usually accompany the act in compensation for the absence of the partner. (p. 171)

Archibald Hart, a psychologist-theologian at Fuller Theological Seminary observed,

I do not believe that masturbation itself is morally wrong, or … sinful.

If we assume (we do) that the act of masturbation is NOT inherently wrong for Christians, then there are three remaining issues to be addressed:

1) Can masturbation be done without “crossing the line” into “lustful” thoughts that ARE truly wrong?

2) When do “fantasies” cross the line into “lustful” thoughts?

3) What effect is masturbation having on you and your marriage?

Can masturbation be done without “lustful” thoughts?

We believe it can.

We believe this based upon our personal experience and the experience of hundreds of couples we have coached.

Does it take a bit of mental “discipline?” Yes. But, this does not mean it is not possible.

And, it is important to address the fact that masturbation does NOT necessarily assume that you are going to be alone when masturbating!

For Christian couples, masturbation (and mutual masturbation) can be a very exciting and fun activity within the marriage bed.

Many (many, many) husbands and wives find it sensual and a real “turn on” to watch their spouse masturbate.

So, for most of us, the majority of our “masturbation” will most likely take place WITH our spouse…completely avoiding the need for any fantasies or lustful thoughts.

When do “fantasies” cross the line into “lustful” thoughts?

Hmmm….

This is, honestly, NOT a question I have spent much time pondering (like some of the egghead theologians above).

I have always “assumed” that any thoughts or fantasies that did not include our spouse (only), were probably “crossing the line.”

This is the “test” that we apply and recommend to couples.

I am open to the discussion that fantasies are really not lustful thoughts…but it seems like such an arcane discussion that I really don’t have much energy for it.

What effect is masturbation having on your marriage?

In my opinion, this is “where the rubber meets the road” (no pun intended).

In many ways, to masturbate or not is a personal decision that has EVERYTHING to do with your particular situation.

Do you masturbate because you have a much higher sex drive than your spouse…and you are utilizing masturbation as a “favor” to your spouse…you are tempering your needs against theirs?

Or, are you masturbating to the point that you are “defrauding” your spouse by stealing away sexual energy that they need and desire?

Are you in the majority in that masturbation, without lustful thoughts, is almost impossible?

Or, are you in the minority, and can masturbate without such thoughts?

If your spouse knew that you were masturbating, would they be shocked, hurt and angered?

Or, is your spouse fine with you “taking care of business” when the need arises?

Since we do not feel that masturbation is INHERENTLY wrong, then we must approach the act similarly to how we would approach almost any act relative to our marriage.

Is playing chess inherently wrong? No.

But, if you are spending twelve hours per day…and investing ALL of your energies on it…stealing away time and focus from your spouse…than it can be wrong.

Ultimately, it is a matter for you and your spouse to work out…

Not me or James Dobson or Chuck Berry…

Posted: March 27th, 2008 under Christian Sex, Christian Sex Advice, Christian Marriage, christian masturbation.
Comments: 5

One of the “truisms” of the work that we do is that MOST sexual problems within Christian marriages have NOTHING to do with sex.

Most sexual problems are the symptom of the REAL problem…something in the relationship…and, usually, some gap in the couple’s communication.

Although we have found that, in rare cases, the problem is TOO much communication (Just shut up and “Do it!”), most times a couple’s first step toward improving their marriage and sex life should be to learn better communication skills.

Our friends, Susie and Otto Collins are relationship experts with a special emphasis on communication. It is hard to find a nicer, more knowledgeable pair than Susie and Otto…when it comes to learning the basics of communication.

In the video below, you can get a taste of what they teach.

You can find their extremely popular resource, “Communication Magic,” Here.

“You’re not afraid to tell me anything…”

Posted: March 26th, 2008 under Christian Marriage, intimacy.
Comments: none