If I were forced to summarize our coaching experience into three keys to a successful Christian marriage, they would be:

1) Go to God.

Some of you are dealing with truly REAL and difficult problems that have NO simple or easy solutions. Consequently, your first (and best) action should be to put your trust in the the ONLY place that deserves your faith: God.

In Proverbs, we are told…

3:5
Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.

3:6
In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

Does your marriage relationship seem hopeless?

Follow the advice of Scripture above and 1)Trust God 2) Stop relying upon your own understanding 3)”Acknowledge God “in all thy ways.”

I confess that there are days where I am giving advice to other Christians about “going to God” and (at the exact same time) dealing with a personal problem or fear that “seems” hopeless.

Usually, it is not until AFTER I have heard myself say, “Go to God” that I realize that I have NOT been taking my own advice.

At this time, I make it a point to do something symbolic. I don’t just say a quick “thought prayer” to God. I go to my room. I get on my knees and I (out loud) speak to God about what I am dealing with. Secondly, I ask those close to me to to also ” go to God” for me.

I can’t guarantee you that any of your problems will instantly and easily disappear, but I can promise you that God is willing able and faithful to meet your needs.

2) Be willing to be vulnerable.

If you start by trusting that God is “watching your back,” it is easier to take “step two.” Step two is making yourself vulnerable.

Marriage relationships (especially) can be impossibly difficult if one (or both) partners are unwilling to be vulnerable.

REAL and truly fulfilling marriage relationships are impossible without the risk (vulnerability) of being disappointed, hurt or angered. If you are more interested in protecting yourself from the emotional pain of being disappointed, hurt or angered…then you are committed to improving the relationship…you MUST be vulnerable.

How many times are you supposed to be willing (vulnerable) to this pain and disappointment?

If you get past “seventy times seven,” then we can talk.

3) Communication.

The most important determining factor of ANY successful marriage relationship is communication.

Couples that communicate their needs, feelings and desires consistently succeed; those that do not…don’t. It really is as simple as that, in some respects.

Figuring out the “why” you don’t communicate may not be as simple. But, knowing that establishing real and honest communication is critical is a given.

Although, in my experience the number one reason that couples don’t communicate is because (surprise) they aren’t willing to 1) Trust God and 2) Make themselves vulnerable.

So, all in all, it is a logical progression:

1)Go to God

2)Make yourself vulnerable (yes…again!)

3)Start communicating your real thoughts, desires, needs, disappointments, fears. Not just the ones that are easy to express…all of them.

As you know, I always like to try to end the week on “an up note.”

And, I want to do that this week, as well.

I wrote the above post after finding a video for a great song by the band Switchfoot (a popular Christian band).

The song is called, “I dare you to move.”

The basic feeling I always get when I listen to this song is that God wants me to DO SOMETHING REAL; he wants me to MOVE TOWARD HIM…MOVE TOWARD MY STRENGTHS…MOVE TOWARD MY WIFE.

It is only when we MOVE that God is able to help us; he can’t do it while we stand frozen in our fears and disappointments regarding the past.

The video is below the following lyrics.

Enjoy. Have a great weekend. And…MOVE!

Welcome to the planet
Welcome to existence
Everyone’s here
Everyone’s here
Everybody’s watching you now
Everybody waits for you now
What happens next
What happens next

[Chorus]
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened before

Welcome to the fallout
Welcome to resistance
The tension is here
Tension is here
Between who you are and who you could be
Between how it is and how it should be

[Chorus]

Maybe redemption has stories to tell
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to escape from yourself?
Where you gonna go?
Where you gonna go?
Salvation is here

I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened
Today never happened
Today never happened before

Posted: August 24th, 2007 under Uncategorized, Christian Marriage, Christian Sex Videos, Sex and God, Christian Culture, Marriage Forum.
Comments: none

Yesterday, I found a post on a blog by a self-described “sex-radical, feminist sociologist” here.

It is, essentially, a comment piece on the Mother Jones article about Christians seeking sex advice and sex toys.

If you are a regular visitor to this blog, you know that we spend the vast majority of our time attempting to help Christian married couples to improve their marriages and sex lives…not opining about what non-married, non-Christians should or should not be doing.

I find it amusing that Christian’s are constantly painted as nosy and oppressive when it comes to sexuality. And, this article starts with this assumption and then makes several others…

And therein lies the problem. While I want to rejoice that Christian couples are getting good sex advice and affirmation of their desires for pleasures of many sorts, there is no getting around the prohibitions against extramarital sex (which, in every US state aside from Massachusetts also means prohibition against sex with somebody of the same gender, though that is explicitly prohibited for good measure), or sex that involves even fantasizing about extramarital sex. This can’t be sex-positive, and yet I want to be happy that these people who are devoted to their faith are at least getting advice that allows for sexual fulfillment within the oppressive boundaries of their doctrine. Yet if, as Wypijewski suggests, that means usurping “a vocabulary of desire that owes everything to gay liberation’s unlocking of sex even as they slam the door on the notion that gays and lesbians have any right to sexuality,” if it means exploiting gains in sexual freedom that came as a result of enormous risks taken by those who are then explicitly excluded from basic civil rights by the very people doing the exploiting, this can’t be considered positive even in the most generous of interpretations…

This analysis focused on the The Marriage Bed site, a site that I consider to be one of the best resources for married Christian couples.

Basically, the writer’s point was that Christians can’t truly be “sex positive” unless we remove our adherence to all (Scriptural) boundaries sexuality.

Of course, I disagree.

I thought you might be interested in my response to these ideas…

As an author and relationship coach that works primarily with Christian married couples, I highly respect the work done through TMB.

In my own experience, I have seen the damage that “religious psychological baggage” can cause to married Christians relative to sex and sexuality.

There are thousands of married Christians that struggle with a way to reconcile their Christianity and sexuality and TMB is one of the most solid resources for these individuals.

Although I understand (and sometimes empathize with ) those that consider themselves to be outside of the “Christian mainstream” when they feel as if Christians are sticking their noses into their business (and bedrooms), I think you are pointing your criticism and (even) your analysis in the wrong direction.

If you were evaluating a Ted Haggard blog decrying homosexuality, that would be fair enough.

Instead, you are parsing one of the truly sex positive Christian sites in existence.

I fail to understand your reasoning.

You don’t want Christians telling you how to express your sexuality. But, it is okay for you to tell married Christians (of a very specific theological persuasion) how they should think about their own sex lives and sexuality?

I challenge you to find ONE post on TMB (and there are tens of thousands) in which any of the moderators or administrators opines about what someone outside of their assumed audience (married Christians) should or should not be doing sexually.

The members of TMB are attempting to reconcile their own theological predispositions with their sexuality; they are not looking to affect the sexuality of anyone else.

In this scenario, who, really, is the evangelist?

I contend that it is the person hoping to tell Christians (and TMB) what they should think and believe (i.e. “Your silly boundaries are so passe) relative to THEIR marriage, sex lives and sexuality.

That stated, I think “TMB regular’s” point is very relevant…

“‘Secular’ sex therapists like Dr. David Schnarch (The Sexual Crucible; Passionate Marriage) affirm from their clinical studies that monogamous, life-long committed relationships provide the best context for creating potential for and facilitating sexual fulfillment and sexual self-expression…”

If we agree that sex and sexual expression are positive and that we should all be “sex positive,” then it is a relevant (scientific or otherwise) issue to ask, “What circumstances/environments are the most conducive to a healthy, fulfilling and pleasure-filled experience of life-long sexuality?”

Obviously, this author does not believe that the “traditional” Christian boundaries (within marriage, with the opposite sex) provide any real value to this equation.

Most of the members of TMB would disagree. Again, this is not the 1800’s. Most married Christians today have had the opportunity to see “both sides of the fence.” MOST married Christians were single and sexually active. Many married Christians have dabbled in homosexuality. And, in their experience, they find expressing their sexuality within their marriage to be the most fulfilling (and exciting) form of expression.

And, as “TMB regular” stated, many professionals (including “secular” professionals) would agree.

Again…no one (especially on TMB) is sticking their noses into your bedroom.

But, we are not allowed to freely attempt to maximize our own sexuality (within our chosen theology)?

Lastly, your statement, “a vocabulary of desire that owes everything to gay liberation’s unlocking of sex,” is both patronizing and (frankly) naive.

The “gay liberation” movement of the past 40(?) years has “unlocked” sex?

Ten thousand years of sex and sexual expression (nothing new under the sun…sorry) and sex has only been “unlocked” within the past semi-millennium?

You may be referring to your perceptions of Christianity and sexuality. But I assure you that the reality is quite different. The longest tradition of Judeo Christian history has been very much supportive of sex and sexuality as a gift from God (Song of Solomon, anyone?).

The relatively recent (several hundred years?) of institutional and “religious” aversions to sexual expression are not based on Scripture. They are based more on the Platonic idea of the separation of spirit and body…with “things of the body” being lesser and baser.

Posted: August 23rd, 2007 under Christian Sex, Christian Sex Advice, Christian Marriage, Christians and Pornography, Christians and Porn, Christians and Pornography, Christian Sex Toys, Sex and God, Christian Culture, Marriage Forum.
Comments: 1

A local ABC affiliate did an interview with Joe Beam, one of the most well-spoken advocates of better Christian marriages and better Christian married sex.

You can find it here.

A few highlights…

“I get questions about oral sex, pornography, foreplay, everything you can imagine. People ask and I blatantly answer them. Some Christian people are amazed that my answers are what they are because its not what they’ve been taught all their lives,” Beam told CBS4’s Joy Purdy.

Beam believes he’s taking Christian sex education to the next level in terms of right, wrong and what the Bible says is allowable or not.

Statistics show that 20% of married couples have sex just 10 times a year or less, and Beam believes that is an indication there is a lot of sexual misery between couples.

The minister left his home church to fill churches nationwide with curious couples, eager to hear what Beam interprets the bible to say about sex, love and marriage.

“Now I want you to see this is in the Bible; I am not making this up,” Beam said in one of his presentations. “If a person is not sexually satisfied they become susceptible to outside temptation.”

There are no boundaries for those who attend Beam’s seminars. The audience can even secretly write questions for Beam and he in turn, answers them all.

Minister Beam covers many taboo issues in his seminars that many Christians have become accustomed to being ashamed of.

For example, said Beam at one seminar, the Bible actually says nothing about the use of vibrators and in fact, he encouraged the audience to play games with each other, with or without mechanical aids. “There’s nothing in the bible that says anything about masturbation,” he said.

Joe Beam runs a marriage and family ministry called Family Dynamics at which you can find free articles and resources for your marriage.

You can watch him interviewed on The Montel Williams show below.

My favorite quote (and the idea I find most true in our experience with troubled marriages):

Give your spouse permission to tell you the truth…it will change everything.

The three keys to love are intimacy, passion and committment…Most people don’t have deep levels of intimacy because they are afraid to tell/hear the truth.

Posted: August 22nd, 2007 under Christian Sex, News, Christian Sex Advice, Christian Marriage, Christian Romance, Sex and God, Christian Culture, Marriage Forum.
Comments: none

I stumbled across a three-part blog posting, titled, “The Christian Perspective On Marriage.”

It is a well written and Scriptural overview of the perspectives of Marriage that can be found in the Bible.

I enjoyed it and thought you might too.

You can find it here.

Posted: August 17th, 2007 under Christian Sex, Marriage Forum.
Comments: 2

A reader took the time to thoughtfully respond (and disagree ) with Susan’s ideas relative to the lady whose husband has consistently refused to “step up” and “give back” to her in their relationship.

Although I agree with this reader’s overall point…the wife (or spouse) has the responsibility to a) Go to God with their disappointment and b)ensure that they are acting in a holy/blameless way in their interactions with their spouse.

I (and obviously Susan) feel strongly that most of these verses are intended for women that find themselves with non-Christian husbands. They are part of a strategy to make it more likely that your husband will come to God…based upon your example.

This is a vastly different situation than what Susan was addressing. She was addressing a wife whose husband was a Christian.

I think that a Christian wife has every right to DEMAND and EXPECT that her husband is living up to his duties. “Submitting” to your husband is assuming that your husband is living up to his role as the “head of household”; he is treating his wife as Christ treats the church. When he is “dropping the ball” in his duties, his wife is in the unique position of being, essentially, the only person with the ability to persuade him to change.

Too many Christians are waiting for a miracle…instead of asking for the miracle and then moving toward ACTIONS that will facilitate the miracle.

We as Christians sometimes allow ourselves to confuse “faith” with “magical thinking.”

I need to pay the mortgage and, soon, put four kids through college. I am, humbly, asking God for the miracle of helping me to make that happen. I am then working long, hard hours to ensure that it happens. Both are necessary.

Wives (or husbands), when they find their spouse is not pulling their “relational weight,” should pray for the miracle. Then, they should roll up their sleeves and do the hard work (communication, expectation, etc.) that is necessary to make the miracle happen.

What do others of you think?

Susan,

1Pe 3:1 Likewise, ye wives, [be] in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives;

1Pe 3:2 While they behold your chaste conversation [coupled] with fear.

1Pe 3:3 Whose adorning let it not be that outward [adorning] of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel;

1Pe 3:4 But [let it be] the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, [even the ornament] of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price.

1Pe 3:5 For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands:

1Pe 3:6 Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement.

This lady’s job is to ‘without word’ win her hubby, not shake things up radically by venting her grievances. If her hubby is motivated by his wife’s attitudes towards him, and she knows this and uses it to change him…
1) That’s called control and manipulation, and should not be encouraged.
2) It may cause a temporary change in him, but it won’t be the lifelong transformation that comes from the urging of the Holy Spirit alone.

And, we can yell at, argue with, or talk to our hubbies until we’re blue in the face, but that doesn’t mean we’re their Holy Spirits.

If this gal’s hubby is unmotivated to pleasing her, let her show reverence to him and respect and honor and see how that motivates him. Let her be meek, quiet, gentle. Let her behavior be chaste (not-wild). Let her be like Sara, who obeyed her hubby even when he wanted her to live a lie and say that she was his sister and not his wife (judgment was on him then, not her). She was still counted among the faithful (Heb. 11). When this lady’s hubby sees her reverencing him, obeying him, honoring him, loving him, he can’t help but feel the manliness created in him by God to fulfill his husbandly duties to her. Even if he doesn’t, though, she will be blessed as she obeys her Lord and she will have a peace about her that confounds others and that will keep her from venting about her hubby on forums. Instead, she will be urged by her inner-peace to bless him and praise him.

Please let this comment be posted. I believe it is just, even if it is contrary to your post, Susan.

May all glory go to God, and many blessings on your household.

~Christi

Posted: August 7th, 2007 under Christian Marriage, Marriage Forum.
Comments: 2

The last few posts have dealt with my frustration regarding the huge number of Christian couples that are living lives of desperation because their spouse has unilaterally decided that sex is not an important part of their marriage. Yes, Stay tuned for “Round III”.

One of our members on the MyChristianMarriage.net Forums experienced a huge disappointment last week. She and her husband had been planning on attending a marriage retreat at their church; they wanted to work through her husband’s lack of sexual desire.

At the last minute, he called her and told her that he didn’t want to go to the retreat…that it was “a waste of time and gas.”

As you can see, this caused Susan to (almost) “pop a gasket.”

Now, I want you to understand Susan’s points…

She and I both feel that we must humbly approach our spouses with our needs and desires. But, when it becomes clear that our spouse just doesn’t care about our needs and desires, it is sometimes necessary to stop quietly wishing and hoping that things will change; we need to clearly and openly express our frustration/disappointment.

Most of the time, this will be ALL we need to do. Most of us are bad communicators…not bad people. But, God does not expect us to spend months or years quietly waiting for our spouse to “magically” change.

Her response is below…

Raco,

I have not had the opportunity to respond much this past week or so, but I HAD to respond to your post.

I was so upset reading you post that I, literally, became sick to my stomach.

I (and I am sure many others) have noticed your references to this upcoming retreat. We all had high hopes for the potential progress that could have been made during this event.

Hearing that your husband has decided that he is “too tired” and that it is simply “a waste of time and gas” makes me want to drive to your house and do a “Dr. Phil” on your husband.

And, in my opinion, that is EXACTLY what your husband needs to experience. He needs to have someone ask him, “What is your major malfunction?”

As with all other posts in this forum, we only know one side of the story. But, it seems fairly clear that you are the one putting in any effort towards making progress.

It is HIGH TIME that your husband understands clearly that his continued actions (or inaction) could very well lead to a very negative result.

****OKAY…TAKING A BREATH****

First things first.

Robert and I will definitely pray for your situation…and that God will touch your husband in a way that makes him more open to progress.

And, I am sure that everyone else on this board will do the same.

That being said…

As I consider your post, I believe that there are two possible major disconnects in your relationship right now:

1) You and your husband lack communication skills.

You told us (for weeks) about how important this event was for you.

You told us how much you were looking forward to it.

You told us the fun (sexy) things you planned for him.

Did you tell him?

I sense that there may be a bit of hesitation on your part to clearly communicate your needs/wants/expectations.

I know that this is most likely caused by your fear of his rejection. But, you gain NOTHING from avoiding communication.

Rejection is better than avoidance. You can figure out a strategy to overcome his rejection/indifference…you can’t accomplish anything if you two aren’t actually communicating in a real way.

2) Your husband is simply being a bad, lazy and insensitive husband.

You have control over the first scenario.

You are not in complete control of the second.

Either way, you need to stop cowering and swallowing and living with the lowest possible expectation.

The only way you can actually move forward is to KNOW, as soon as possible, what problems you are actually dealing with.

Now (and I hope this is the case with your husband), some men will only put in the effort necessary to achieve “minimum hassle” in a relationship. And, if their wife is not prone to have relatively high expectations, they then continue on in their laziness hoping to stay in that (sad soft) middle place of relationship mediocrity (no one is crying. no one is screaming. no one is throwing pots and pans…I guess I’m a great husband).

With these husbands, the relationship can be greatly moved out of mediocrity simply by the wife demanding and expecting more.

With these types of husbands (just lazy and selfish…not truly “bad”), they will respond to a wife’s expectations and demands because (deep down) his self esteem is tied to how his wife perceives him.

You MAY be in this situation. In that case, you may see some real progress simply by making your expectations and needs CRYSTAL clear and then…holding him accountable.

This is the classic case of the homemaker that “goes on strike.” If he is this type of husband, he will not want to know that you look upon him in a negative way…and he will do the math on what is easier…pleasing you occasionally…is easier than making his own meals or doing his own laundry.

You must know (if your husband is this type of man) that you have TREMENDOUS POWER to influence change in the relationship. MOST men DO want to please their wives…down deep…beneath their natural laziness.

But…

If your husband is “the other type of man”…the kind that just doesn’t give a **** about pleasing you…or making you happy…or being a decent, good husband…than you have an entirely different battle on your hands.

God can still work in this type of situation, but NOTHING will happen until you FORCE the issue in some MAJOR way.

You NEED to KNOW what you are dealing with…who you are dealing with.

I am, in no way, advocating anything radical. He’s not abusing you. He’s not cheating. He’s still supporting you.

But…I am advocating that you make a DRAMATIC shift in your approach to your relationship…IMMEDIATELY.

If it is a communication issue (partly your fault) work through it. NO matter how uncomfortable or painful it may be…you two need to communicate in a real way.

It it is his laziness. You need to set higher expectations and punish his not meeting them in real ways. Stop enabling his selfishness. He can do his own laundry. He can make his own meals. He can watch the kids while you go to the movies with your friends.

If he is withholding emotionally…you need to start to withhold things that he NEEDS and WANTS…whatever they may be.

If he is just lazy and selfish…this may break him into reality.

If (and you will discover this fairly quickly) he is simply an uncaring, bad husband, then you need to FORCE him to seek counseling with a professional or a pastor.

If he refuses, you need to make it clear that you WILL NOT remain in a marriage…forever…with a man that refuses to reciprocate in any real way.

Divorce is always the last option…to be avoided at all costs…but, it is not always the wrong thing. Who among us can really draw the distinctions between living with physical/emotional abuse and the abuse of neglect?

So…

1) Before doing anything, get on your knees; ask God what you need to do.
2) Go to whatever local Christian resources you have available for support. Confide in them your situation and see if their closeness to the situation sheds any light for you.
3)START CHANGING UP THE GAME IMMEDIATELY. Communicate your expectations…and then EXPECT that he fulfills them.

I will be very interested to know how you responded to his cancellation of this trip.

Did you just swallow your anger and disappointment and tell us about it?

Or, did you throw a righteous fit?

Please understand…although the tone of this response may seem harsh…it is not harsh towards you…I am not blaming you at all.

But, I am grieving for you and want to help you make some real progress before you give up all hope.

Susan

Posted: August 6th, 2007 under Christian Sex Advice, Christian Marriage, Female Sexuality, Low Male Sex Desire, Marriage Forum.
Comments: 2

If you are a regular reader of this blog, you know that I refrain from being irreverent and avoid…at all costs…any posts that might resemble a “rant.”

You can stop laughing now.

Yesterday, my “dander was up” (that is not a bad pun) because I had read a post on the Christianity Today Blog Site, Titled, “Why I Have Sex.”

I have to admit that, normally, I would have just skimmed through this post and moved on. But, over the past month or so, as we have launched the MyChristianMarriage.net Forums, I have been reminded DAILY that there are many, many Christians that are living quiet lives of desperation. The cause of this desperation is not always related to sex. But, in a vast majority of cases, it is.

I know that only God can fix many of these situations. We pray for our members and encourage them to go to God, our Healer.

I will do everything within my power to help them to improve their marriages and lives.

I will help them to overcome every obstacle that Satan and our worldly culture puts in the way of strong, real, Godly, holy and positive Christian marriage relationships.

But, I am losing my patience with having to fight other Christians and their destructive “advice” to couples. I am truly at the end of my rope…regarding sanctimonious “churchy” or “Christiany” preaching that is TEARING APART Christian marriages.

Our entire ministry is based upon a very “radical” and “unusual” concept; God created sex, primarily, for our pleasure and the pleasure of our spouse.

He did not create sex PRIMARILY for procreation.

Okay…I’ll give you this…

If we are looking at the logical, “big picture” reason that God created sex, it was, most likely procreation. Every species, including humans needs some way in which to continue the species.

But, I am not a scientist or a Darwinian philosopher. I am a guy trying to help people to improve their marriage. So, from my perspective, I don’t care what “guesses” you (or the late Carl Sagan) have regarding the scientific/sociological reasons for human sex.

I just care about it’s impact upon our Characters, relationships and Holiness.

And, here’s the kicker…not every species reproduces via male/female sexual interaction.

Again, I’m no scientist…but if God made it possible for worms to reproduce without male/female mating…he could have done it with humans.

Many “Christian Fathers” (with no Scriptural basis) and others through the ages have had a very negative opinion of God’s choice to utilize sex and sexual pleasure to “further the flock.”

Martin Luther said…

The reproduction of mankind is a great marvel and mystery. Had God consulted me in the matter, I should have advised him to continue the generation of the species by fashioning them out of clay.

Leonardo da Vinci agreed…

The art of procreation and the members employed therein are so repulsive, that if it were not for the beauty of the faces and the adornments of the actors and the pent-up impulse, nature would lose the human species.

If you have ever stopped to actually consider what is happening during sex, you would have to admit that there are probably more graceful and less sweaty ways to accomplish procreation.

Unless, of course, that was EXACTLY how God intended it.

Luckily, God didn’t consult Martin Luther before deciding upon the human form of procreation.

So, are you going to rely upon your “reason and logic” and “scientific ponderings” when you decide to give that hurting Christian couple sexual advice? Are you going to rely upon what “you think” orthodox Christianity “thinks?”

Or, are you going to go to the Bible?

And, please (please, please) don’t start telling me about the orthodox theology of your particular denomination…or what “most Christians” since Jesus walked the earth thought about the topic.

I want to know what is your Scriptural basis for putting that weight around your brother and sister’s necks?

Please consider this a challenge.

I want to see response postings that provide me with Scriptural evidence that sex was meant to be anything less than one of our most basic, fundamental and powerful aspects of our ENTIRE being…and that it’s primary function in our lives is to provide pleasure.

We are sexual beings. Period.

Who designed us this way? God? Yep.

In a response to yesterday’s post, a visitor asked…

I am curious why you don’t include references to the scriptures you discuss? It would help while studying sides of an issue to know the references to which you refer. It would also be nice to know what translation you are referring to as well, since the translations can muddle interpretations sometimes. This is not to say your interpretations are muddled. but it would be nice to know where you are coming from scripturally.

For my Scriptural evidence…you’ll have to stay tuned for “Round 3,” but until then, I want to leave you with a few of the most insightful thoughts I have found relative to Christianity…and sexuality…and marriage…

“Christianity is almost the only one of the great religions which thoroughly approves of the body - which believes that matter is good, that God Himself once took on a human body, that some kind of body is going to be given to us even in Heaven and is going to be an essential part of our happiness, our beauty, and our energy…Christianity has glorified marriage more than any other religion: and nearly all the greatest love poetry in the world has been produced by Christians. If anyone says that sex, in itself, is bad, Christianity contradicts him at once…”
~C.S. Lewis

“I’d like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he’s working on now.”
~Author Unknown

The idea that we are to avoid physical pleasure to achieve spiritual holiness is not a Christian concept.

It was proposed by the philosopher Plato and it is where we get the term “platonic.” Followers of this “platonic” philosophy look at the physical world, including sexuality, as lesser “shadows” of the better, “spiritual” things. It pitted the physical and spiritual against each other. To pursue one was, by definition, to lose the other.
~C. S. Lewis

Posted: August 2nd, 2007 under Uncategorized, Christian Sex, Christian Sex Advice, Christian Marriage, Sex and God, Christian Culture, Marriage Forum.
Comments: 1

A few days ago, I found a post on Christianity Today’s Blog, www.blog.christianitytoday.com, that caught my attention.

It is written by David Neff and refers to a University of Texas study on sexuality. The study asked a bunch of people (mostly non-married, undergraduates) “Why they have sex.”

The results were exactly what you would have expected. Their priorities are screwed up royally. They have sex because they are “bored.” They have sex because they want “validation.” Blah Blah. Blah.

Nothing in this study should surprise Christians. Do we really expect the world to “tow the line,” Scripturally, in their sexual priorities?

But, what really caught my attention was David’s statement that “One of the key reasons that God invented sex is procreation.”

Yes, in Genesis, God did tell us to “multiply.” Okay, so I’ll give him that. But, almost every reference after that deals with how to express our sexuality in a “God approved” way (in marriage, not with children or animals, etc.).

We have discussed the pain that thousands of Christians have expressed to us because their spouse says, “sex is for having babies…and we already have babies.”

This is a twisting of Scripture and God’s intent. I don’t care about “orthodox theology” in this discussion. What does the Bible say?

Paul tells us to not deny our spouse.

He tells us to marry to avoid “burning with passion” (i.e. temptations found outside of married sexuality).

The Song of Solomon provides us with a beautiful picture of what married sexual love should be…passionate, romantic, fulfilling…frequent.

I don’t remember the verse in SOS that says…”OH yeah…do it like this…until you have a few kids. Then you can be done with this awful activity!”

This type of thinking HURTS Christian marriage. It does NOT help.

Okay, that was my rant for you. Below is my rant on David’s blog…

I agree with David’s frustration with our culture’s “upside down” priorities relative to sexuality.

But, like him, I have to say to this fact, “Duh.”

This was a general survey,conducted primarily with undergraduates. Did anyone really expect the results to line up with Scripture?

The concern I have with David’s thesis as it relates to married Christians.

He says, “One of the key reasons that God invented sex is procreation.”

Outside of the genesis command to “multiply,” where is procreation listed as the primary purpose of sex in marriage?

Most of the (especially NT) references to sexuality within marriage specifically offer sexual release as a way to 1)Share yourself with your spouse. 2) Please and serve your spouse. 3) Avoid sexual temptation outside of marriage.

Paul says “it is better to not burn with desire,” he doesn’t suggest that we should marry to increase the flock.

In fact, in the verses in which Paul explicitly discusses “reasons to marry,” he never once mentions procreation as a benefit. He is, in fact, proposing the idea that it would be easier to serve God without the responsibilities of marriage. I would have to assume the responsibilities of parenting only reduce your availability in serving God…at least full-time.

Although I agree that procreation and family are fundamental and righteous goals, I think the idea that procreation is the PRIMARY purpose of sexuality within marriage has caused more damage than good.

I have worked with thousands of Christian couples that struggle to express both their Christianity and their sexuality in a healthy, God Intended way because they (or their spouse) have wrongly delegated sex and sexuality to the “back shelf” of their existence.

If I had a dime for every depressed and confused Christian that told me that their spouse wasn’t interested in sex any more because it was only intended for procreation…I’d have a lot of dimes.

How can we ever make headway with the group that answered this survey (mostly non-Christian, young people) if they think that we are proposing to them that they will have to spend the rest of their lives fighting one of the most fundamental and powerful aspects of our God given natures…our sexuality?

We might as well tell them that to be Christians, they need to learn how to hold their breath for the next fifty years.

I propose that a better approach for both Christians and non-Christians is to demonstrate the positive, life-affirming, relationship-affirming benefits of expressing our (God given) sexuality within the one boundary he has provided…marriage.

We would have many happier married Christians…and, most likely, a more receptive audience with non-Christian young people.

You can find his post here.

Posted: August 2nd, 2007 under Uncategorized, Christian Sex, Christian Marriage, Contraception, Christian Culture, Marriage Forum.
Comments: 1

This weekend, there was a post at the MyChristianmarriage.net forums titled, “How Far Does Forgiveness Go?”

It was from a Christian woman whose husband sexually abused her children and is now going away to prison.

I wanted to re-post it here (with my response) for two important reasons:

1) It is a “reality check” for any of you that are feeling “put upon” or ungrateful for your current situation. God never promised us, in this life, that it would be easy. But, you need to thank God that you (most likely) are not dealing with a situation like this.

2) I felt slightly (actually…VERY) at a loss to offer any substantial, tangible help to this woman. Although, I thought that there was a good chance that someone in our “audience” might have some expertise in this area.

If you do, please go to the forums and offer her some support and advice.

how far does forgivness go?
dear all. this is my first post, and am looking for a little spiritual guideance. i have been married to my husband for 35.years. we have both been born again christians for 24.years. unknown to me my husband had a sexually abusive history when i met him. it was a second marriage for both of us. he had 4.children from a previous partner and i had 3. we joined together as one big happy family. it came to light 13.months ago that he had abused 4. of our children. 2.of his and 2.of mine. his eldest daughter was only 2.years old it carried on till she was 8.years old. he abused his 4.year old son also. he abused my eldest daughter from 3.years old till ten then raped her constantly for 2.years till she got pregnant and he made her have an abortion. he also abused my youngest daughter for 9.months. he has been on police bail for 13.months and got convicted 2.weeks ago, he got 10.years prison.being a christian i have forgiven him. but i want a divorce now. how do i stand as regards christianity.? people in my church give me mixed advice. can you tell me what you think. this has split my family apart. regards sheila xx

My response…

Sheilam,

We are honored that you chose to share your situation and pain with our members.

As moderators of this board, the only real (guaranteed) help that we can offer for you is our thoughts and prayers. Susan and I will pray for you and your situation. And, we ask ALL OTHER MEMBERS to please do the same.

That being said…

You are going through a situation of which nightmares are made.

As it says in Scripture, “It rains on the unjust and just alike.” But, you, Sister, have been through a hurricane.

Before you can move forward, you MUST clearly realize that you are in a “life or death” struggle to save yourself and your family from destruction on many levels.

You need INFINITELY more help and support than you can find in a small forum such as this.

You need to IMMEDIATELY find professional and spiritual help in a BIG and REAL way.

Professionally, there are a multitude of governmental programs and offerings that could be of help.

You need to get yourself and your children into counseling IMMEDIATELY.

You will not survive this hurricane with a rowboat and one broken paddle…

You need the ARMY,NAVY and MARINES to be helping to pull you out of the dangerous part of the storm.

Whether your children want/desire this sort of help, you need to FORCE it upon them.

They have been damaged (whether they realize it or not) and you need to FORCE their healing. This WILL NOT happen “naturally.”

If your husband is going to be safely away in prison, you are blessed (at least in one way). If he is not, you need to get you and your family to somewhere safe. If that is a “woman’s shelter,” do it.

One of your primary responsibilities as a mother is to protect your children. Now that you know the danger that your husband poses, you need to do EVERYTHING possible to further protect yourself and your children from this monster.

If you were truly “taken by surprise” by your husband’s abuse, then I would spend NO TIME worrying/accepting blame for what happened. The question, now, is, “What are you going to do to protect/fix/heal them…going forward?”

Spiritually….

Start with going to God RIGHT NOW. Get on your knees NOW and ask God to reveal to you EXACTLY what you need to do to help yourself and your children to overcome this horrible disaster that has befallen you and them.

Then, you need to IMMEDIATELY seek out a Church or Christian group that will not just talk about helping you…but will DEMONSTRATE their willingness to help.

You will need friends. You may need somewhere for you or your children to stay. You may need money or food or rides to counseling.

If you ask God for this help….he will guide you to local Christians/ a church that will be there for you.

There is only one explicit Scripture that provides a “carte Blanche” support for divorce. It is in the case where your spouse has committed adultery.

As my father has said about this topic, “Scripture says you can divorce, it doesn’t say you HAVE to…or SHOULD.”

I think this advice is helpful in situations that deal in “everyday” types of affairs…maybe…it depends on the situation.

But…

YOUR HUSBAND RAPED YOUR CHILDREN.

You should be far beyond any “wondering” about whether you should divorce him or not. You should be ASSUMING that the divorce is a fact.

If, you get ANY advice other than this from the church/Christian group that you are working with….RUN from them as fast as you can.

Jesus was “the prince of peace.” But, one of his most graphic, judgmental, vindictive, statements (drowning by hanging a big stone around their necks) was in reference to hurting or leading astray children.

Child abuse is the clearest, most obvious violation of God’s will that could possibly exist.

I can’t judge your husband’s ultimate destiny; only God can. But, I can “lay odds” that your husband’s destiny is not a pretty one.

You need to find local (face to face) help…lots of it…IMMEDIATELY.

But, if there is any way that we can help, PM us. And, I’m sure that other members of this board will be willing to help, if possible.

Who knows? God is powerful. Maybe a member of this board lives in the same city that you do.

Posted: July 24th, 2007 under Christian Sex, Christian Marriage, Christian Sex Therapy, Parenting, Marriage Forum.
Comments: 2

Last week, we opened a “Sexual Abuse” section in the MyChristianMarriage.net forums.

Early on, a surprising number of people are discussing their past sexual abuse; obviously, it is a very important issue that many Christians need to deal with.

For those of you that read this blog and may be dealing with sexual abuse, I wanted to re-post something that Meleney Kriel, one of our moderators posted regarding this issue. You can find more on this topic in the forums.

There are so many things I need to say to you and anyone who wants to know what to do to get healing from the trauma of sexual abuse.

Firstly you need to know this one thing: It is God who will heal you and set you free - your answer lies with Him alone and therefore it is absolutely of primary importance that you do not blame Him. (I am not saying you do.) You have to understand that He is not the source of your pain, but the source of your healing! A person who has doubts about this one fact, shuts themselves off from the solution.

Secondly, your healing starts with a decision on your side. You must make up your mind this moment that the abuse you suffered will NOT define who you are. You will not live with it forever and you will not live “through” it. It is not who you are. You have to say to yourself “I AM NOT A VICTIM!” It is very, very important. This one point divides sufferers of abuse into two camps - those who get absolutely free and those who don’t. In the camp of the Free and the Brave (literally) there are people who suffered unimaginable injustice and abuse, but got over it. In the camp Victims Forever, are people who can’t get over anything. You have to decide that you are going to live free from the effect of sexual abuse, have a wonderful marriage and sex life, be a wonderful parent and function successfully and joyfully in life.

I dont want to say more right now. These two things are the beginning of healing and I want to encourage you strongly to make an effort to get them sorted out in your heart, mind, soul, spirit, emotions and will - once and for all. Dont make a big deal out of it either. Decide it today and when contrary thoughts come, counter them with these two truths. God is my Healer and I will not be a victim. Write them down and stick them up somewhere for you to see. Do anything and everything to remind yourself of those two truths.

Once someone gave me a flat little stone with the words: “My God shall supply all your needs…” painted on them. It was at a time where we faced a huge financial challenge and although I am not someone who is “in” to little symbols and statues of angels and doves etc… I started carrying the stone in my pocket and whenever I was tempted to worry, I touched the stone. The stone did not take care of my challenge, but God certainly did! Just in time as well, the answer came from a very unexpected source and everything was fine.

God bless you! I would love to hear from you again and I know that you are in the prayers of the members who read this.

Pastor Meleney
__________________
www.undefiled.biz
www.viva-foundation.org

Posted: July 23rd, 2007 under Christian Sex, Christian Marriage, Christian Sex Therapy, Marriage Forum.
Comments: none