The last few posts have dealt with my frustration regarding the huge number of Christian couples that are living lives of desperation because their spouse has unilaterally decided that sex is not an important part of their marriage. Yes, Stay tuned for “Round III”.
At the last minute, he called her and told her that he didn’t want to go to the retreat…that it was “a waste of time and gas.”
She and I both feel that we must humbly approach our spouses with our needs and desires. But, when it becomes clear that our spouse just doesn’t care about our needs and desires, it is sometimes necessary to stop quietly wishing and hoping that things will change; we need to clearly and openly express our frustration/disappointment.
Most of the time, this will be ALL we need to do. Most of us are bad communicators…not bad people. But, God does not expect us to spend months or years quietly waiting for our spouse to “magically” change.
Raco,
I have not had the opportunity to respond much this past week or so, but I HAD to respond to your post.
I was so upset reading you post that I, literally, became sick to my stomach.
I (and I am sure many others) have noticed your references to this upcoming retreat. We all had high hopes for the potential progress that could have been made during this event.
Hearing that your husband has decided that he is “too tired” and that it is simply “a waste of time and gas” makes me want to drive to your house and do a “Dr. Phil” on your husband.
And, in my opinion, that is EXACTLY what your husband needs to experience. He needs to have someone ask him, “What is your major malfunction?”
As with all other posts in this forum, we only know one side of the story. But, it seems fairly clear that you are the one putting in any effort towards making progress.
It is HIGH TIME that your husband understands clearly that his continued actions (or inaction) could very well lead to a very negative result.
****OKAY…TAKING A BREATH****
First things first.
Robert and I will definitely pray for your situation…and that God will touch your husband in a way that makes him more open to progress.
And, I am sure that everyone else on this board will do the same.
That being said…
As I consider your post, I believe that there are two possible major disconnects in your relationship right now:
1) You and your husband lack communication skills.
You told us (for weeks) about how important this event was for you.
You told us how much you were looking forward to it.
You told us the fun (sexy) things you planned for him.
Did you tell him?
I sense that there may be a bit of hesitation on your part to clearly communicate your needs/wants/expectations.
I know that this is most likely caused by your fear of his rejection. But, you gain NOTHING from avoiding communication.
Rejection is better than avoidance. You can figure out a strategy to overcome his rejection/indifference…you can’t accomplish anything if you two aren’t actually communicating in a real way.
2) Your husband is simply being a bad, lazy and insensitive husband.
You have control over the first scenario.
You are not in complete control of the second.
Either way, you need to stop cowering and swallowing and living with the lowest possible expectation.
The only way you can actually move forward is to KNOW, as soon as possible, what problems you are actually dealing with.
Now (and I hope this is the case with your husband), some men will only put in the effort necessary to achieve “minimum hassle” in a relationship. And, if their wife is not prone to have relatively high expectations, they then continue on in their laziness hoping to stay in that (sad soft) middle place of relationship mediocrity (no one is crying. no one is screaming. no one is throwing pots and pans…I guess I’m a great husband).
With these husbands, the relationship can be greatly moved out of mediocrity simply by the wife demanding and expecting more.
With these types of husbands (just lazy and selfish…not truly “bad”), they will respond to a wife’s expectations and demands because (deep down) his self esteem is tied to how his wife perceives him.
You MAY be in this situation. In that case, you may see some real progress simply by making your expectations and needs CRYSTAL clear and then…holding him accountable.
This is the classic case of the homemaker that “goes on strike.” If he is this type of husband, he will not want to know that you look upon him in a negative way…and he will do the math on what is easier…pleasing you occasionally…is easier than making his own meals or doing his own laundry.
You must know (if your husband is this type of man) that you have TREMENDOUS POWER to influence change in the relationship. MOST men DO want to please their wives…down deep…beneath their natural laziness.
But…
If your husband is “the other type of man”…the kind that just doesn’t give a **** about pleasing you…or making you happy…or being a decent, good husband…than you have an entirely different battle on your hands.
God can still work in this type of situation, but NOTHING will happen until you FORCE the issue in some MAJOR way.
You NEED to KNOW what you are dealing with…who you are dealing with.
I am, in no way, advocating anything radical. He’s not abusing you. He’s not cheating. He’s still supporting you.
But…I am advocating that you make a DRAMATIC shift in your approach to your relationship…IMMEDIATELY.
If it is a communication issue (partly your fault) work through it. NO matter how uncomfortable or painful it may be…you two need to communicate in a real way.
It it is his laziness. You need to set higher expectations and punish his not meeting them in real ways. Stop enabling his selfishness. He can do his own laundry. He can make his own meals. He can watch the kids while you go to the movies with your friends.
If he is withholding emotionally…you need to start to withhold things that he NEEDS and WANTS…whatever they may be.
If he is just lazy and selfish…this may break him into reality.
If (and you will discover this fairly quickly) he is simply an uncaring, bad husband, then you need to FORCE him to seek counseling with a professional or a pastor.
If he refuses, you need to make it clear that you WILL NOT remain in a marriage…forever…with a man that refuses to reciprocate in any real way.
Divorce is always the last option…to be avoided at all costs…but, it is not always the wrong thing. Who among us can really draw the distinctions between living with physical/emotional abuse and the abuse of neglect?
So…
1) Before doing anything, get on your knees; ask God what you need to do.
2) Go to whatever local Christian resources you have available for support. Confide in them your situation and see if their closeness to the situation sheds any light for you.
3)START CHANGING UP THE GAME IMMEDIATELY. Communicate your expectations…and then EXPECT that he fulfills them.
I will be very interested to know how you responded to his cancellation of this trip.
Did you just swallow your anger and disappointment and tell us about it?
Or, did you throw a righteous fit?
Please understand…although the tone of this response may seem harsh…it is not harsh towards you…I am not blaming you at all.
But, I am grieving for you and want to help you make some real progress before you give up all hope.
Susan
