Yesterday, I found a post on a blog by a self-described “sex-radical, feminist sociologist” here.

It is, essentially, a comment piece on the Mother Jones article about Christians seeking sex advice and sex toys.

If you are a regular visitor to this blog, you know that we spend the vast majority of our time attempting to help Christian married couples to improve their marriages and sex lives…not opining about what non-married, non-Christians should or should not be doing.

I find it amusing that Christian’s are constantly painted as nosy and oppressive when it comes to sexuality. And, this article starts with this assumption and then makes several others…

And therein lies the problem. While I want to rejoice that Christian couples are getting good sex advice and affirmation of their desires for pleasures of many sorts, there is no getting around the prohibitions against extramarital sex (which, in every US state aside from Massachusetts also means prohibition against sex with somebody of the same gender, though that is explicitly prohibited for good measure), or sex that involves even fantasizing about extramarital sex. This can’t be sex-positive, and yet I want to be happy that these people who are devoted to their faith are at least getting advice that allows for sexual fulfillment within the oppressive boundaries of their doctrine. Yet if, as Wypijewski suggests, that means usurping “a vocabulary of desire that owes everything to gay liberation’s unlocking of sex even as they slam the door on the notion that gays and lesbians have any right to sexuality,” if it means exploiting gains in sexual freedom that came as a result of enormous risks taken by those who are then explicitly excluded from basic civil rights by the very people doing the exploiting, this can’t be considered positive even in the most generous of interpretations…

This analysis focused on the The Marriage Bed site, a site that I consider to be one of the best resources for married Christian couples.

Basically, the writer’s point was that Christians can’t truly be “sex positive” unless we remove our adherence to all (Scriptural) boundaries sexuality.

Of course, I disagree.

I thought you might be interested in my response to these ideas…

As an author and relationship coach that works primarily with Christian married couples, I highly respect the work done through TMB.

In my own experience, I have seen the damage that “religious psychological baggage” can cause to married Christians relative to sex and sexuality.

There are thousands of married Christians that struggle with a way to reconcile their Christianity and sexuality and TMB is one of the most solid resources for these individuals.

Although I understand (and sometimes empathize with ) those that consider themselves to be outside of the “Christian mainstream” when they feel as if Christians are sticking their noses into their business (and bedrooms), I think you are pointing your criticism and (even) your analysis in the wrong direction.

If you were evaluating a Ted Haggard blog decrying homosexuality, that would be fair enough.

Instead, you are parsing one of the truly sex positive Christian sites in existence.

I fail to understand your reasoning.

You don’t want Christians telling you how to express your sexuality. But, it is okay for you to tell married Christians (of a very specific theological persuasion) how they should think about their own sex lives and sexuality?

I challenge you to find ONE post on TMB (and there are tens of thousands) in which any of the moderators or administrators opines about what someone outside of their assumed audience (married Christians) should or should not be doing sexually.

The members of TMB are attempting to reconcile their own theological predispositions with their sexuality; they are not looking to affect the sexuality of anyone else.

In this scenario, who, really, is the evangelist?

I contend that it is the person hoping to tell Christians (and TMB) what they should think and believe (i.e. “Your silly boundaries are so passe) relative to THEIR marriage, sex lives and sexuality.

That stated, I think “TMB regular’s” point is very relevant…

“‘Secular’ sex therapists like Dr. David Schnarch (The Sexual Crucible; Passionate Marriage) affirm from their clinical studies that monogamous, life-long committed relationships provide the best context for creating potential for and facilitating sexual fulfillment and sexual self-expression…”

If we agree that sex and sexual expression are positive and that we should all be “sex positive,” then it is a relevant (scientific or otherwise) issue to ask, “What circumstances/environments are the most conducive to a healthy, fulfilling and pleasure-filled experience of life-long sexuality?”

Obviously, this author does not believe that the “traditional” Christian boundaries (within marriage, with the opposite sex) provide any real value to this equation.

Most of the members of TMB would disagree. Again, this is not the 1800’s. Most married Christians today have had the opportunity to see “both sides of the fence.” MOST married Christians were single and sexually active. Many married Christians have dabbled in homosexuality. And, in their experience, they find expressing their sexuality within their marriage to be the most fulfilling (and exciting) form of expression.

And, as “TMB regular” stated, many professionals (including “secular” professionals) would agree.

Again…no one (especially on TMB) is sticking their noses into your bedroom.

But, we are not allowed to freely attempt to maximize our own sexuality (within our chosen theology)?

Lastly, your statement, “a vocabulary of desire that owes everything to gay liberation’s unlocking of sex,” is both patronizing and (frankly) naive.

The “gay liberation” movement of the past 40(?) years has “unlocked” sex?

Ten thousand years of sex and sexual expression (nothing new under the sun…sorry) and sex has only been “unlocked” within the past semi-millennium?

You may be referring to your perceptions of Christianity and sexuality. But I assure you that the reality is quite different. The longest tradition of Judeo Christian history has been very much supportive of sex and sexuality as a gift from God (Song of Solomon, anyone?).

The relatively recent (several hundred years?) of institutional and “religious” aversions to sexual expression are not based on Scripture. They are based more on the Platonic idea of the separation of spirit and body…with “things of the body” being lesser and baser.

Posted: August 23rd, 2007 under Christian Sex, Christian Sex Advice, Christian Marriage, Christians and Pornography, Christians and Porn, Christians and Pornography, Christian Sex Toys, Sex and God, Christian Culture, Marriage Forum.
Comments: 1

Are you sexually addicted?

According to Michael Leahy, founder of “Porn Nation,” 10% of us will become sexual addicts within the next five years and 90% of Christians struggle with sexual sin.

“Porn Nation - The Naked Truth” features Michael Leahy, author, speaker and recovering sex addict. It’s the critically acclaimed, 90 minute multimedia-based lecture and Q&A that explores the impact living in a hypersexual culture is having on today’s college student. As featured on ABC’s “20/20″ and “The View”, Michael shares the amazing story of his struggle with sexual addiction and his family’s battle to survive what Oprah Winfrey calls “America’s #1 addiction.” Featuring captivating video segments and interviews with experts and everyday people who share their personal struggles with out-of-control sexual behaviors. Students are challenged to consider the “bigger questions” about porn that nobody’s asking: “How is my exposure to porn and our hypersexual media effecting me and my relationships?” Michael concludes by providing clear action steps any student can take now to set themselves up for success in relationships? A message every student needs to hear!

One of the resources that Porn nations offers on it’s site is a Sexual Addiction Screening Test.

If you think you might be a sexual addict, you can take the test here.

Posted: August 15th, 2007 under Christian Sex, Christians and Pornography, Christians and Porn, Christians and Pornography, Christian Culture.
Comments: none

Last week, I received an email that truly caught my attention. Why? Because it was so expressive and fun. And, even more importantly…this guy obviously adores his wife and they appear to have a wonderful relationship.I wanted to share it with you all just so you could (vicariously) experience his enthusiasm for his wife.

He also has a few questions which I will answer after his email.

Hey Rob (or anyone else who may be reading this)

I have question that isn’t directly covered in Sexual Skills For The Christian Husband or Sexual Satisfaction For The Christian Wife that I wouldn’t mind getting your opinion on - it may even help for other men / couples.

I have a very healthy appetite for sex. I get hungry at least daily sometimes can go as long as 2 days and very occasionally (if I’m really sick) 3 days or more.

Now my wife struggles to keep up with me and I don’t like her to feel pressured to do so obviously that kind leave’s it up to me.

I find my wife extremely attractive and LOVE seeing her naked. At one stage I used to ask her (when she wasn’t interested in sex) if she wouldn’t mind me looking at her naked while I (you know). To be honest she wasn’t really that keen on the idea and I kind of felt like a bit of a pervert (for want of a better word). But because like most men I am extremely visually stimulated (I am an architect - everything I buy is bought with a heavy sense of visual priority -it’s not obsession - just a preference) anyway - so to avoid me falling into the trap of looking at pornography on the net etc looking for that extra high I asked my wife if I could take photos of her and use them when she was “out of action” or not in the mood. She wasn’t that fussed on the idea and she wasn’t sure if it was right to do but gave in to my gentle but persuasive pleas for help a few times.

I would like to do more (like sex - I like variety) but she’s worried that I’m too focused on her physical appearance than her emotional attractiveness - she’s worried that I see her as a sex object when I look at her photos - in fact she’s a little concerned that I find her so attractive (she’s not perfect - but I can guarantee you that her photos would be second to none in any magazine in the world) and that I want to have sex with her all the time. Surely I shouldn’t feel bad for finding my wife so attractive and desirable. I am by no means obsessed with her - I just happen to desire her daily.

At this point please let me clarify a couple of things - I would much rather have physical sex with my wife than mental sex. When I look at my wife’s pictures it brings an array of pleasurable thoughts including me imagining kissing her, I think of her inner beauty and why I love
her etc. We have a very close relationship by the way - it’s far from purely physical - we are best friends and have never had a fight in 15 years of marriage)

So anyway - my wife thinks it would be better if I could hold out until every time she is in the mood or when that time of the month is over which would probably only equate to about 4 or 5 times a month - sometimes less!!. To be honest that would kill me - I just couldn’t
survive. This way it takes the pressure of me and takes away any desires to look at other naked women and it also relieves any resentment that starts to build if she’s not in the mood. So basically my question is - do you think (provided my wife is willing) that it’s ok for me to take pictures and view my wife naked? Kind regards

Name Withheld

My responses…

As a man, you are the “rule,” not the “exception; most men have a very real, physiological need for sexual release EVERY 2 to 3 days. This is not a psychological or spiritual problem-it is a God-created, physical need!

Consequently, you touch on one of the most necessary “accommodations” that many Christian couples must make: How do they ensure that the frequency of their sexual interactions allow the husband to avoid frustration or temptation?

And, it seems as if you and your wife have not yet had this conversation or determined what “accommodations” you will be making.

Your basic question is, “Is it wrong to take pictures of my wife and “utilize” them for sexual gratification?”

The short answer is, “No.” We see nothing inherently wrong with taking sexy, naked pictures of your wife. We also see nothing, inherently, wrong with you “utilizing” them for sexual gratification. But, we would be more comfortable responding to your question if the issue was one of logistics. For example, you were a business man that traveled frequently and wanted to avoid the temptations of porn on the road, etc.

When, in fact, it appears as if you and your wife are actually together, under one roof, most of the time. So, the creation and use of these pictures, although not inherently wrong, may be used by both of you to avoid your “real” sexual obligations.

Once you have the option to turn to pictures of your wife (when the real, live version is available) for sexual gratification, you may choose that option more and romancing your wife less. If she feels that she has placated you with allowing the pictures, she may not feel obligated to do the work to “get in the mood” as often as she might otherwise.

So, in our opinion, if the purpose of the pictures is to “spice things up” or to get you through a particularly bad time (menstruation, etc..) then they are fine. Just don’t let them become a substitute for the real thing!

Oh, and congratulations on what appears to be a special relationship!

Posted: April 3rd, 2007 under Christian Sex, Christian Marriage, Christians and Pornography, Christian Romance, Christians and Porn, Christians and Pornography.
Comments: 2

Whenever I am not sure that I am “beating a dead horse” relative to a particular topic, I will predictably blame someone else. In this situation, I am unequivocally blaming YOU for the fact that yesterday’s newsletter rant about porn has spilled onto this blog.

I received so many emails regarding the rant, that I felt obligated to further address the issue.

So, it’s not my fault; it’s yours. (Nice how I did that, huh?)

Until this week, “porn” and “pornography” were not an official category on the blog and, frankly, were not a particular focus of any of our work.

Going forward, that is most likely going to change. I intend to (at least) create a category specifically dealing with porn and, as need be, be sure to address this issue more fully.

Why?

Our primary mission (ministry?) is to promote the joys and benefits of sex within marriage.

Porn, by definition, is something that works against this mission. It is a “zero sum game;” ANY time and energy wasted on porn could have been invested in your spouse and marriage.

If we are doing our mission justice, it is nearly impossible (especially given the pervasiveness of pornography) to ignore the issue completely.

In some ways, pornography is, currently, the primary obstacle to many Christian couples finding true sexual enjoyment and fulfillment. We are complex three dimensional beings (body mind and spirit) and so is our sexuality. Within marriage, this complex interplay between our body, mind and spirit can either enhance or destroy our relationship. It is not rocket science. If our only outlet for our sexual release and energies is through sexual interaction with our spouse, we are motivated to enhance that relationship. If we have many other outlets…not so much.

What is the definition of porn?

We received several emails that were seeking a definition of porn. They asked, “Is Playboy porn?” Or, “Is the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated porn?”

For our purposes, porn is anything that is used for sexual release outside of interactions with your spouse.

One of our funny family stories is that my Grandmother used to go through the daily newspaper every day and cut out the bra and underwear ads before my Grandfather could read it.

I still giggle thinking about him trying to read the newspaper with big squares missing.

But, in some ways, she was ahead of her times; it was an early version of filtering software!

ANYTHING could be porn to you (and not to someone else); romance novels, racy television shows or movies- whatever.

In my opinion, the critical factor in the definition is, “Are you channeling sexual release and energy ANYWHERE other than into your relationship with your spouse?”

If you are seeking true, “three dimensional” fulfillment in your life, you CAN find it in your marriage relationship. Everything else is just a distraction from the REAL excitement that is possible for you.

As promised, I am compiling a page of porn-related information on this page, Christian Porn. On this page, you will find links, videos (and more rants) on this topic.

Oh, and a brief commercial interruption…

Start creating that REAL and EXCITING and FULFILLING, “THREE-DIMENSIONAL” sexual relationship today:

Sex Skills For Christian Husbands

Sex Satisfaction For Christian Wives

Posted: February 22nd, 2007 under Christian Marriage, Male Sexuality, Christians and Pornography, Low Male Sex Desire, Christians and Porn, Christians and Pornography.
Comments: none