I wanted to give you a fourth of July weekend gift…a recommendation.

I just finished a book that I think you will find inspiring and valuable.

It is titled, “Just Do It,” by author Douglas Brown.

Douglas is a writer for The Denver Post.

After returning from a conference, he told his wife that he had learned that some of the men at the conference were part of “The 100 Day Club.” This “club” was a group of men that had NOT had sex for 100 days or more. The reasons for this lack of sex were different, but they were sharing the misery.

His wife thought that it might be a positive experiment to try the opposite tack…100 days of sex.

They did their experiment and the result was this book.

And this book is…really cool.

Although the book does detail (in some respect) their sex life, it is NOT graphic at all; it is, actually, fairly tame.

It is, ultimately, a love story. And, it is a real primer on the benefits of “real” married sex…not the “fake” kind of sex that you see in Hollywood movies or pornography.

At the end of their 100 day experiment, they were closer and more fulfilled.

If you have read either Sexual Skills For The Christian Husband or Sexual Satisfaction For The Christian Wife, you know that we promote the idea that, sometimes, you have to “just do it.”

You don’t wait until all of the situations in your life (or marriage) are perfect.

You don’t wait until you both “feel like it.”

You just…DO IT.

And, once you are “doing it,” you experience the power of marital sex…and its ability to improve and heal your relationship.

You can find an excerpt from this book here.

And, you can watch an interview with the author and his wife in the video below.

Have a great “4th weekend.”

Posted: July 3rd, 2008 under Christian Sex, Christian Sex Advice, Christian Marriage, Christian Sex Videos, christian sex books.
Comments: 1

If you have been a regular visitor for any amount of time, you may have noticed that we have not posted new blog posts in a few weeks.

And, you also may have noticed that many of the links on this site were not working.

This is because we have been battling “blog spammers” that flood the site with hundreds of fake comments (generated by machines) that are simply advertisements for (mostly) porn sites.

I guess when you try to promote positive, Christian sexuality, some people aren’t thrilled.

But, we believe that we have solved the technical issues that needed to be addressed and we plan on resuming regular posting.

Also, all of the links should now be working again.

We sincerely apologize for this recent situation and appreciate your patience and (to those of you that emailed us about this) your concern and prayers.

Let us know if you find anything NOT working still.

-Robert

Posted: July 1st, 2008 under Uncategorized.
Comments: 2

I am putting the final touches on a new book that deals with, specifically, how Christian husbands can overcome issues with premature ejaculation.

If you are a husband that deals with this issue (or a wife of a husband that does), I would like to hear your story.

I want to ensure that the final book deals with ALL of the issues that concern you.

And, if you are dealing with this problem, I would like to send you (when the draft is ready) a draft copy of this book for your use and (potential) testimonials.

If you would like to have some input, before the book is completed, and you would like to be considered to receive a free draft copy to try, please send me an email at robert_irwin@comcast.net and let me know the following:

1) How has PE effected you and your marriage.

2) What would you MOST like to see/learn in a book about overcoming PE.

3) Are you open to trying the techniques in a new book and giving your feedback/testimonial?

Thanks for the help.

Posted: June 12th, 2008 under Uncategorized.
Comments: 1

Our focus is sex within marriage.

Our books, Sexual Skills For The Christian Husband and Sexual Satisfaction For The Christian Wife are intended to help married Christian couples to make their marriages and sex life everything that God intended.

But, occasionally, we get questions from Christians that are single (unmarried, divorced or widowed). They are struggling with how to reconcile their sexuality and their “singleness.”

For those people, we now have a new resource to recommend: Lauren Winner’s “Real Sex:The Naked Truth About Chastity.”

This book deals with Christian sexual ethics, specifically Chastity in an intelligent and clear way.

It also confronts many of our culture’s current assumptions about sex and sexuality.

Single Christians should find this book to be a valuable and important addition to their library.

Below is an review of the book found on Laura’s web site. It will give you a taste of what you will find in the book.

A review of Lauren Winner’s Real Sex: The Naked Truth about Chastity

When Lauren Winner wrote about her conversion from Orthodox Judaism to Christianity in her 2003 memoir, Girl Meets God, her frank recognition of the complexities of newfound faith were unpredictable and charming. As she takes up the question of sex and chastity in her new book Real Sex, her candor is not only resonant, it is uniquely insightful. In what seems likely to emerge as a critical resource for any Christian seeking to pursue a coherent sexual ethic in a hyper-sexualized culture, Winner effectively redefines the scope of Christian sexual ethics to incorporate realities-as-they-really-are within the church. She emphasizes the profound relevance of Scripture and tradition as a remedy, while articulating a winsome, yet bold challenge for the Church to be less modest about its call to chastity.

It’s no surprise to anyone who watches television or shops at a mall that traditional sexual morality is on the decline. According to current statistics, about 65 percent of teenagers have sex before they finish high school and approximately 75 percent of adults have sex before they get married. What may come as a surprise, however, is how steep the decline is—not only within the culture, but also within the Church. In the 1990’s three separate surveys of single Christians showed only one-third of unmarried Christians are virgins. Likewise, of the students and young adults who signed abstinence pledges as part of religious sex-ed programs, 61 percent of students broke their pledge and of the 39 percent who kept it, 55 percent admitted to having oral sex, which they didn’t consider to be sex.

For some, these statistics supply more-than-justifiable grounds to rant about the weakened moral fabric of American culture. But for Winner, these statistics simply identify a growing need within the Church that faith, scripture, discipline and community are sufficient to address; she offers hope in what could otherwise be deemed a hopeless situation.

Central to her evenhanded call is a strong reliance on the truth that our bodies are good (as are our desires when rightly ordered) and that Scripture offers a much more coherent and comprehensive sexual ethic than is typically communicated in classic virginity-centric models of ministry. As she puts it,

To organize one’s Christian sexual ethics around virginity is to turn sexual purity and sexual sin into a light switch you can flip—one day you’re sexually righteous, and the next day, after illicit loss of your virginity, you’re a sinner.

This is not to suggest that Winner thinks pre-marital virginity is unimportant. Rather she refuses to indulge the slippery slope, how-far-is-too-far question, pushing the reader to explore and consider the depth and richness of God’s full story of creation, wholeness and redemption. She rejects what German theologian Dietrich Bonhoeffer might call the “cheap grace” approach to sexual ethics and insists on painting a much more brilliant—and challenging—picture of what the chaste life both requires and rewards.

Foundational to each of her assertions is the conviction that our decisions and behavior shape us, especially when it comes to how we use our bodies. As Winner summarizes it,

The choices we make every day—where we shop, what we do with our bodies, how we pass our time—form us. They shape the type of Christians we become. What we do matters, not because good behavior gets us into heaven, but because behavior, good and bad, creates certain expectations in us, teaches us certain lessons.

She reiterates this theme throughout the book, and near the end says, “Sexual sin forms us. It teaches us false lessons about what sex is, lessons that are not easily unlearned. But sexual sin is something we can repent of. It is something God forgives.”

Repentance, forgiveness and redemption are critical pieces of this puzzle, Winner argues, not only because they are part of how we learn and grow as Christians, but also because she takes current statistics seriously. She knows she is writing, most likely, to non-virgin Christians—unmarried, non-virgin Christians to be exact. And, for anyone who has “fallen off the wagon” so to speak, and read ad nauseum about the how-tos of Christian purity, her realistic treatment of sexual sin as common and forgivable is probably one of the most profound and refreshing parts of her book. As she acknowledges,

Sometimes adopting chastity is as simple as reading a book like this one, or attending a lecture, and then making a change in your life. But for many of us, it is the relearning of a basic story. It requires, prayer teaching, work, reformation, even weeping. It requires that we tell each other the story of the gospel, and the narrative of chastity, over and over and over.

Her willingness to share her own experiences as a (sexual) sinner in need of grace brings an authenticity that is often hard to come by in Christian books about sex. She has wrestled with sexual temptation, engaged in premarital sex prior to meeting her husband, struggled with Church teaching, and bought into deceptions and lies about sex. And yet, she has pursued an affirmative ethic that is big enough to hold all of that sin and confusion and still offer a hope for purity. “As the church,” she says, “we need to ask whether the starting point for a scriptural witness on sex is the isolated quotation of “thou shalt not”, or whether a scriptural ethic of sex begins instead with the totality of the Bible, the narrative of God’s redeeming love and humanity’s attempt to reflect that through our institutions and practices.” Again, she is speaking as one who has walked through the fire and doesn’t take its flames lightly, yet her own sanctification has borne a compassion for those who face the same struggle ahead of them.

Finally, she is wise to supplement her substantive critique of the Church with equally substantive, practical recommendations for how to navigate the realities of sexual sin and the road of redemption. She offers useful tools that provide a tangible way to pursue chastity in real life. She emphasizes developing chastity as a spiritual discipline, recognizing, “it is not only a state—the state of being chaste—but a disciplined, active undertaking that we do as part of the Body [of Christ].” Revealing her candid spirit, she frankly notes the practical aim of this disciplined approach is because “Speaking of spiritual discipline seems to elevate chastity from gritting-my-teeth-and-stonily-avoiding-sex to something lofty, noble and spiritual.” It is self-gratifying in its own way.

Winner also emphasizes the role of the church community in helping to guide unmarried Christians in the challenging call to chastity. Calling for young and old, single and married to come together and “be the church” on this issue is critical, “A community working toward chastity is not captive to euphemism, dissembling, and pretense, but is a place where sin can be spoken of freely, with contrition but without fear.” She talks about setting wise physical limits during dating but does so with a balanced perspective that allows for discernment with the help of community. She also stresses the importance of prayer, repentance and accountability with other believers. She has great faith the Church is equipped to address the pervasive misunderstandings and deceptions about sexual sin, she simply wants to see the Church apply it in a foundational, deeply biblical way.

Ultimately the genius in Real Sex is precisely that it puts forth something real. Sex is a real struggle for single Christians. In scripture and tradition the Church has tools at its disposal that offer real solutions. Winner’s bright and persuasive perspective suggests it is time for all Christians to be sincere and realistic about pursuing chastity as God intends.

Posted: June 10th, 2008 under Christian Sex, Christian Sex Advice, christian sex education.
Comments: 1

Dr. Joy Davidson is a certified sex expert, licensed marriage and family therapist, based in New York. She is one of the advisers on the Love And Health site.

She is a ’secular’ sex expert and we don’t endorse everything that she (or her site) promotes, but I find the majority of her advice to be very solid.

I find her comments in the following video (below) to be particularly important and relevant to our audience. It deals with the recent assumption that females with a less than nymphomaniacal desire for sex are…dysfunctional.

She is, specifically, addressing the fact that many in the health fields (read: Pharmaceutical companies) have a vested interest in making women feel ‘dysfunctional’ for having what, most likely, is a ‘normal’ level of sexual desire…given their age and situation.

The ‘pharmaceutical factor’ that has changed the landscape of sexuality has both negative and positive consequences.

Now that many (especially older) men can solve the ‘natural’ decline in sexual powers through the magic of drugs such as Viagra, there has been a (negative) pressure put on women to ’step it up’ and begin to perform, sexually, in a way that was never expected of women (of a ‘certain age’) before; there is an assumption that their (formerly) normal level of sexual desire is now…a dysfunction.

The positive consequence of this situation is that (some) focus has begun to be placed on the reasons for female lack of sexual desire.

Although the pharmaceutical companies hope that we buy into the idea that this ‘dysfunction’ can be solved via a ‘magic pill,’ many others are starting to focus on the real reasons for much lack of female desire…relational, emotional, physical (normal aging) and…the lack of technical skill of their husbands.

If you have been a reader of this blog for any amount of time, you know that we completely agree.

Most of the ’sex problems’ that we deal with here have NOTHING to do with sex; they are relationship problems. It is IMPOSSIBLE to expect a fully functioning and exciting and fulfilling sex life when the relationship has gaps or problems. Before expecting progress in the bed room, many couples will have to face the reality that their relationship is lacking and shore it up first. And, if the problems in the bedroom seem to originate with a lack of desire on the part of the woman, then you may need to explore WHY she doesn’t feel desire. Does she feel loved, supported, cared for, emotionally fed in all other areas?

Once the relationship is on solid ground, it is necessary that you explore the ‘technical’ aspects of your lovemaking.

In Sexual Satisfaction For The Christian Wife, we explore the ‘technical’ factors (and techniques) that are necessary for a woman to achieve physical satisfaction.

In Sexual Skills For The Christian Husband, we explore the ‘technical’ factors (and techniques) that the husband MUST understand to provide ‘a fighting chance’ for the woman to achieve sufficient satisfaction to allow natural desire to ‘kick in.’

If the relationship is positive and solid and you have addressed the ‘technical’ factors and (this is the important question) you both still feel that your overall lack of desire is less than you would like, then you MIGHT want to consider pharmaceutical approaches.

Dr. Davidson says…

Now, this is probably bad news for anybody who wants life to fit into neat categories, who prefers to see things in black and white rather than shades of grey. But for women who can accept that sexuality is as individual as personality, it’s good to know that there are millions of “normals” out there in the world, and that one of them has your name on it.

We agree.

Your ‘normal’ is a result of MUCH more than just physical factors. Your ‘normal,’ when you focus on the overall environment that surrounds your sexuality and desire can be wonderful…no matter the performance ’statistics’ you encounter.

Posted: June 3rd, 2008 under Christian Sex Advice, Female Sexual Dysfunction, Christian Wives, Christian Sex Videos, Christian Sex Therapy.
Comments: none

Joe Beam is one of the more visible advocates of passionate Christian sex within marriage.

Joe has been a very strong advocate for the ideas expressed in Sexual Skills For The Christian Husband and Sexual Satisfaction For The Christian Wife…that God intended sex within marriage to be exciting, frequent and relationship-building.

Posted: June 2nd, 2008 under Uncategorized.
Comments: none

I found the article, titled “The Joy of Christian Sex,” by Sheila Wray Gregoire, this weekend.
Sheila is a Christian and the author of the book, “Honey, I Don’t Have A Headache.”

I occasionally stumble upon articles, videos and interviews with Sheila and I always enjoy her perspective.

She starts her article with the following…

It was barely a century ago when Lady Hillington, on the eve of her daughter’s nuptials, advised the young woman to “lie back and think of England”. Today, sex is no longer an unpleasant secret; indeed, it’s not a secret at all. We live in a culture that worships sex.

The church has responded to this attack on family values by manning the battle stations, arguing loudly against gay marriage, abortion, infidelity, and promiscuity. We say “no” so often that many outside the church—and perhaps even some inside—believe that Christians still revere Lady Hillington’s counsel.

Surveys, however, reveal otherwise…

Sheila’s article discusses her ideas of what “Christian sex” should be…

Christian Sex is Holistic

Christian Sex is Exclusive

Christian Sex is Fun

Christian Sex is Beautiful

She ends her article with the following conclusion:

Christian sex is something far more precious, and far more beautiful, than any counterfeit our culture offers. That’s why Christians report better sexual relationships, and why, despite the way we’re caricatured, we’re more likely to be the ones smiling.

I couldn’t agree more.

If you are ready to experience the joy of Christian sex, you can start with Sexual Skills For The Christian Husband or Sexual Satisfaction For The Christian Wife.

Posted: May 27th, 2008 under Uncategorized, Christian Sex, Christian Sex Advice, christian sex books.
Comments: none

Since this thread of posts has received so much feedback, I decided to continue it a bit.

The lady that initially started this thread with her email, has responded to the discussion thus far…

Dear Robert and Susan,

Thank you for posting my recent e-mail question.

I know and appreciate that my entire marriage is better then most, and this is probably why the challenges suddenly posted by menopause took such a strong toll on both of us.

I also appreciate the comment left by one of your readers. He pointed out that I was also selfish in more then one way. I realize that it most likely came as quite a shock to my husband when I gradually became less and less interested in sex, considering that for the first 20 years we were together, I loved sex.

I think in fact that he most likely saw my lack of interest as me rejected him. I actually feel really bad about this now because I think he actually removed his sexual needs out of respect for me. Which most likely in turn, as you said, just made him lazy. He will not and never has accepted “favors for his benefit only”. He insists on pleasuring me as well, most likely something else I should not be complaining about.

Menopause and the years leading up to it have some very strange effects that most people never talk about. In case any of your readers are ever faced with these problems, I will share some of them with you.

First of all most women know that your body does not respond the same to stimulation. You do not really ever think about sex or ever have any sort of desire for it. Your breasts, clitoris, and vagina become much less sensitive, so the initial stimulation of just being touched has little or no effect on your mental or physical ability to respond. Your body also does not lubricate, therefore without the use of Ky or another substitute, sex is dry and very painful. It can also cause little tears that will make you have a pink discharge either during or shortly after intercourse. There are alot of over the counter lubes, and KY just keeps coming out with more. The ones that heat up are great for guys, but they can be irritating to a female if they are used too often. The KY tingle is great for women and will help you feel or stimulate your G-spot better then anything I have ever used. I have not gotten a chance to try the new one by KY but hope to soon.

Another thing about the years leading into menopause, known as peri-menopause, is that your period becomes completely unpredictable. This is not only annoying just on terms of life in general, but it puts a really strange twist on your sex life.

My husband and I have always been really open with one another about everything. I was never embarrassed or uncomforable with him about my period and as five days in our twenties was a really long time, we did many times have sex during my period. We were both totally fine with this. However, it was something we both knew going in. Getting your period or bleeding during or shortly after sex when you did not expect it is something entirely different. I was very uncomfortable about this especially with regard to oral activity.

Trust me once you have had a close call with this, you do not want it to happen again. Without even realizing it, I just stopped letting him go down on me. This also meant that without realizing it, I rarely went there for him either. Interesting that he didn’t ask though, isn’t it.

Menopause and the challenges that come along with it tend to effect women’s self esteem and make a once open, uninhibited woman appear to be prudish or fridgid, when in fact this is most likely not really true. One of the other things that can happen is that even with alot of lube, deep penetration is really uncomforable if not painful. Again without even realizing it, I began to only move to positions where I could be in control of penetration. One of the comments my husband made to me as we began to try to address these issues was, “Sex is not very exciting anymore. We don’t have oral sex and you won’t even turn around anymore, what happened to you.”

My husband incorrectly assumed that my lack of interest and variety was me turning into a prude. I never told him about most of what I was going through because I didn’t really know or realize most of what I was doing.

Guys need to understand that we as women have no ability to predict when peri-menopause or menopause will strike and do not many times even realize that this is in deed what is happening to us. Think about how much your life would change as a male if you suddenly stopped producing testosterone and you started to lose everything that made you a man. This is what women face, we wake up one day and we are suddenly on the road to losing everything that physically, mentally, and emotionally makes you a woman.

There should be alot more information out there that prepares you for the sexual effects of menopause, because it is something that women tend to just endure alone. Menopause is something that every couple needs to work through together. Women need to be aware of what is happening to their bodies and talk about it, not ignore or hide it or pretend it isn’t happening. And men need to help us out by being supportive and loving and by helping us adapt.

Guys if your wife is going through menopause and you are checking out young chicks on the internet, you are killing her. You have to embrace her beauty as she ages and help ease her through the loss of her childbearing years, not let her see you admiring youth and fertility in another woman. That would be like if you were bald and she continuously blatantly check out guys with lots of flowing luscious waves of hair. Crushing isn’t it. No honestly, there are serious self esteem issues that go along with the loss of your ability to bear children even if you did not want any more. She need to know that you still find her sexually desirable and that you do still “want” her.

Anyway, Robert and Susan, you guys have a great site, I appreciate your books (Sexual Skills For The Christian Husband and Sexual Satisfaction For The Christian Wife) and your response to my e-mail and know that through prayer, God will help my husband and I to grow together in love and to find healing in the misunderstanding and frustration of the separation of our sexual relationship.

Like you said, I probably have it way better then most already, but then again, why settle for less when you know with a little work, a ridiculously out of this world sexual relationship is within reach.

Oh, one more thing before I go, women in menopause can and should seek help to relieve their symptoms. There are alot of other drugs on the market these days many of which are natural and very effective.

God Bless You Both,

[removed]

Posted: May 22nd, 2008 under Uncategorized.
Comments: 1

Yesterday’s post must have touched a nerve…

It created a more than usual number of responses and emails.

Two responses stood out for me.

So, I decided to post them and hope that they will spark even more feedback from you.

Make comments (please) and I will do a follow up post (including your feedback).

You DO NOT need to register to make comments on this blog. Just fill out the comment form.

One from a husband’s perspective…

What I am able to say may sound harsh, but I hope it will be helpful to all of us. While I agree with you that feeling “betrayed” may be a little over the top; however, I am sure the writer does feel strongly about it.

While I sympathize with the writer, and agreed that there is a level of selfishness on the husband’s part, the wife was just as selfish. When the wife’s sexual desires reduced (at menopause), and the husband turned solo, the wife “sort of just never gave it much thought…” After being on hormone therapy, she “figured as soon as I was back in the game, that my husband would just jump right on board too.” Her feelings, thoughts, and actions, before and after the hormone therapy showed her own selfishness. She has subjugated her husband’s sexual desires to her own. When her desire was low, and the husband was on his own, she didn’t complaint. However, when her own desires are back, he should be ready to jump in. While this is an excellent attitude for the husband to develop, it is a selfish expectation on the wife’s part.

Besides having a proper attitude, it takes time to adjust. Just like any activities in our lives, a couple will most likely have different levels of desires. I love playing racquetball, and my wife doesn’t. I played with a few guys once or twice a week. While I will not win any medal, I am not a novice either. If my wife wants to play with me now, it will be hugely frustrating to the both of us. If playing racquetball together is important, then we will have to make some adjustments to bring our levels closer. It may mean she has to take some lessons and practice more, etc…

Most activities can be shared with our spouses, with others, or with ourselves (these three ways are not mutually exclusive). The issue with sex is that it is not an activity that we should share outside our marriages. Therefore, when one spouse has a lower level of desire, the other spouse will either have to satisfy self or reduce their desires. And once the desire has been satisfied (solo) or reduced, it is not easily switched. It is like a rock rolling down a hill. Once it gets going, it will not stop in the middle of the hill. If you want to push it back up the hill, you have to first stop it (lots of work), and then push it back up (even more work).

Whether it is because of health, emotions, lifestyle, or personality, when a couple’s sexual desire levels do not match, a lot of work has to be done. It is in the areas of “unmatch” that we learn how to “love.” Remember, “love” is other focused.

I struggle with learning to be other focused, too. My wife has a much lower desire for sex, and she believes she has many legitimate reasons. Whether those reasons are legitimate or not, the end result is the same: my desire level is higher than hers. I learn to reduce my sexual desires by channeling the energy to other non-sexual activities. I masturbate to satisfy myself, and am prepared to satisfy her needs when they arise.

I have spoken to her about my stronger sexual desire and my preference to have “couple sex;” however, she has not made any lasting adjustments. Now, like the “breakfast game,” I, too can play “games” to get my way. But my first priority is not to “get my way,” but to “love her just the way she is.” She is an imperfect sinner, and will always be one (me, too). My responsibility is not to change her into my liking, but change myself to be more Christ-like.

Genuine, heartfelt, mature communication will always improve and strength a marriage. But even the best communication does not guarantee things will go our ways. As the couple above adjusts to this new stage of their lives, I pray that their sexual connections will draw them ever tighter together. God bless.

One from a wife’s perspective…

My husband and I will be married 31 years on June 12th. At the time we married, BOTH of us were used to doing “solo sex” whenever the urges occurred. He is a not a morning person and has a hard time waking up and getting out the door on time when he has to go to work and likes to sleep in when he doesn’t have to go out. I am an early riser whether I have somewhere to go or not and am more likely to go to bed early than sleep in unless I am sick.

His complaint to me at bedtime was usually “You take too long and I need to just get my release and go to sleep.” I finally convinced him as a newlywed that I would prefer for him to just do a “quickie” and either go to sleep without getting a release myself or finishing myself up
with “solo sex” after his needs were met than being left out completely.

I always wound up not sleeping well after watching him leave me out completely. If the husband is leaving the wife out because of the
timing issue…what we did worked well. My husband got used to coming to me eventually to always rely on me to meet his needs even when I was sleepy. I have always made myself available whenever he was in need of attention.

The pornography isn’t a problem any more. I knew about the pornography before we were married and promised to help him get over it and he has. He has never had a problem with my “solo sex” when he isn’t up to it or is out of town and helps me out when he can.

We have achieved advanced level responses in both of us too.

Posted: May 20th, 2008 under Christian Sex, Christian Marriage.
Comments: 3

Yesterday, I received an email that addressed themes that I see quite a bit in emails from other readers.

I hoped that replying to this email through this post would be helpful to many of you, as well as the writer.

Dear Robert and Susan,

I recently purchased your e-books. (Sexual Skills For The Christian Husband and Sexual Satisfaction For The Christian Wife). I found them very helpful…

My husband has always satisfied me, quite often to the point of fully ejaculatory orgasms. The difference between vaginal orgasms and clitoral orgasms is exactly as you described… I have also always stimulated my husband’s “G” spot and he has great control, but has never achieved orgasm without ejaculation, although he has been very close. Something to work on…

We have a great relationship and truly enjoy one another, except for one thing. A couple of years ago, I went into menopause and pretty much lost interest in sex and the ability to enjoy it. During this time, my husband turned to frequent solo activity and the internet. I was aware of it, though we never spoke of it and it didn’t bother me that much. He never mentioned that he missed sex with me ( we still did it once every three or four weeks) and so I sort of just never gave it much thought…

Last year I went on hormone therapy and my sex drive went through the roof. I figured as soon as I was back in the game, that my husband would just jump right on board too. That did not happen, and I found it devastating as well as insulting. Especially since he told me that he preferred solo sex as it was more stimulating and exciting to him at this point in his life. He also told me that he would enjoy cuddling and affection with me, much more then sex with me. This was and remains quite difficult in terms of my self esteem. It is also very hard to swallow considering that I am the same size I was 25 years ago when we started dating in high school.(A size 2) I have always taken pride in my body and my appearance and have worked hard at not ever letting myself go.

Nine months later, he has started to come around and it appears that he now prefers real sex to solo sex. He is not on the internet much anymore, but he does still hit the shower alone. This continues to bother me, not only because it makes me feel inadequate and rejected, but also because he says once a week or occasionally twice, is enough for him.

I keep praying and trying to turn this over to God, but I cannot seem to get past the fact that I continue to feel betrayed. I fear that he will never find total satisfaction in me no matter how good our relationship and sex life is. I feel kind of hopeless, and yet feel bad for being dissatisfied as he is so good to me in every other way…

I think what I am going through is similar to surviving an affair and hinges on rebuilding trust. There are no articles or advice however on this subject.

How do I stop questioning his actions and sincerity?

And how do I stop questioning myself and his level of attraction to me?

Thank you for any help you can offer.

In Christ,

[removed]

I liked this email because it demonstrates…reeks actually…of REAL LIFE!

I think you should be happy that you seem to have quite a few (more than most) strengths and accomplishments to build upon.

a) When you have sex, you both appear to be open, uninhibited and pleasure seeking. You are describing “advanced” level activities that some couples NEVER achieve.

b) Your communication skills are strong. Do you have any idea how unusual it is that your husband felt comfortable telling you that he preferred “solo sex” to “real sex?” [the scary ridiculous nature of the statement we will address below…]

c) Your “overall” approach to sex is mature and “open.” The fact that you knew/know about his masturbation habits…and did not feel the need to throw a tantrum [despite your misgivings] tells me that you are not coming from an overly emotional place…as regards sex.

Before you get too worried about your situation, you should reflect on your blessings.

That said…

Sex with your spouse IS the best and only way to achieve ULTIMATE sexual pleasure and satisfaction. But (as most of us have discovered…ummm…accidentally) “solo sex” has its benefits: it’s quicker, faster and doesn’t require you to shower or brush your teeth.

In my experience (and those we coach), when one spouse “prefers” “solo sex,” it is not necessarily because they are “rejecting” their spouse; they are simply being lazy and selfish.

I was interrupted by Sue while typing this email with the following question, “Bob, are you dying to make breakfast right now?”

This question is the result of a longstanding battle between us, relative to who makes breakfast each morning.

I, usually, win this battle because I don’t get REALLY hungry till around noon. Sue gets hungry soon after waking.

So, most mornings, I get the pleasure of her making breakfast for both of us and simply having to say, “Thanks, Honey!”

I know (don’t tell her) that I am being lazy and selfish (most mornings) by playing this “game.”

I know that if I wait long enough, she will probably make breakfast and just bring mine to my desk.

Does this mean I don’t love and care for her?

Nope.

I do (more than most husbands, I think) quite a bit of the “household chores.” I will do the dishes and the laundry (without prompting, thank you!) very often. I will cook dinner and lunch many days.

But, I really HATE having to take those five minutes, each morning, that are dedicated to frying four eggs and serving them.

So, I play this game…EVERY morning!

Now…if she calls my bluff with a question like the one above, I will usually say something like, “Yes, Dear. I was just thinking about how excited I am to make breakfast today!”

Now, this (as all husbands know) is a tricky thing.

If I just say the sarcastic thing…and sit there…I’m in trouble. She will leap towards the kitchen, angry with me.

But, if I am smart enough to say the sarcastic thing…while moving in the direction of the kitchen…I can get away with the sarcasm…and she knows she won this particular “battle.”

What the heck does this have to do with sex (or ANYTHING, you may be asking yourself)?

The marriage relationship is a crucible that CONSTANTLY challenges us to balance our personal needs with those of our spouse.

And sex is, by far, one of the most (potentially) important areas in which we must do this.

But…sex is still an area that can fall under very simple lazy and selfish/ motivated and unselfish categories.

The simple fact that you (or your spouse), sometimes, falls into the former category…does not necessarily have to set off “the relationship alarm bells.”

I think that, given your apparent strength in so many other areas, your use of the term, “betrayed” may be a bit overly emotional and negative.

It is a beautiful thing that your husband feels comfortable telling you that “solo sex” is more exciting than “real sex.” But, you should have the same comfort level telling him that you have never heard anything so ridiculous and selfish in your entire life…with a smile of course!

The real issue is not that he, sometimes chooses selfish instead of selfless.

The real question is do you two have the ability to communicate and work through the situation?

Of course, if he is participating in “solo sex” with the use of pornography, there is an additional moral aspect to the situation you need to work through.

But, the real “test” is your ability “as a couple” to demonstrate your willingess to be “selfless” as well as selfish.

As his wife, you have EVERY right to DEMAND that he discuss this situation with you…that he knows and hears (and understands) your feelings regarding his “habits.”

And, my guess, based upon your email, is that you have a strong enough relationship to create some “game plans” and “relationship rules” that you both are comfortable with…and, most likely, involve more “real sex” and less “solo sex.”

Posted: May 19th, 2008 under Christian Sex, Christian Sex Advice.
Comments: 3